When God blessed Erik and I with the twins, as excited as we were, we also knew it would delay the process of a second pregnancy. Adding a newborn to a fairly fresh marriage is challenge enough. Adding TWO newborns is a completely different dynamic. My sisters and I are all about 18 months apart and while I'm sure it was rough for my mom in the beginning, I think it's a fairly decent separation as adults. Erik and his brother are about 3 1/2 years apart. I always thought my kids would be about 18 months apart too. But twins changed that ballgame. Erik and I decided we'd revisit having another baby after the twins turned 3…. closer to his age gap with his brother. By 3 the twins should be a little bit more independent and aware of what a new baby means. (And boy are they EVER!) We would've never guessed we'd get pregnant again the WEEK they turned three. But we did and here we are…. expecting another bundle of joy come August (give or take 8/14/2015). As I type this I'm currently 11 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Everyone loves to tell me that this must be so much easier being one baby…. but I promise you, so far the twins pregnancy was easier than this one. I know some of it I've brought upon myself but I've also dealt with food aversions and exhaustion that I didn't deal with the first time around. Mostly because I'm suffering from anemia as well. Early on in this pregnancy, I told Erik I was going to fight for a VBAC and he was supportive. Little did we know, it would be an uphill, stressful, battle. As this journey progresses, I've decided to document as much as I can in hopes that I will carry this experience with me for many years and maybe help someone else in the future. In order to appropriately share this journey, I need to give the proper history.
In April 2011 I got my first positive pregnancy test. Erik and I had literally only tried once and we were both shocked. I can clearly remember speaking to Cathi Chandler and telling her "I think I'm pregnant" for her to say "don't get your hopes up, it doesn't always happen the first time around and most of the symptoms can also be your time of month." Needless to say, we were both shocked with that positive test. I remember Erik saying "don't tell anyone until we talk to a doctor." I wasn't sure the difference between their test and mine but I was so excited I got the first available appointment three days later. I also remember telling my sister, Shaina the same day, and swearing her to secrecy. We thought we couldn't be more excited. Fast forward about 3 weeks later…. we went for the first ultrasound and the doctor says "there's baby a and there's baby b." Erik had told me it was twins. I just chalked it up to excitement. How many people say they want to experience twins? I almost fell off the table. I cried and he laughed. It was epic. I remember her telling me to get dressed and asking us to come to her office. She explained how she was pretty confident the twins were mono/di twins - identical twins. She also informed me in that moment they'd be a csection and we'd schedule that as it got a lot closer. She said it wasn't safe to deliver them vaginally because while one twin could come out fine, the other could end in an emergency csection. I think I asked once more through the course of my pregnancy and that was the extent of that. I was young, a first time mom and there were TWO kids growing in me. I pretty much worshiped every word that came out of her mouth. My iron was low during the pregnancy but I was never told how low and just told to take an additional iron supplement with my prenatal and that was that. I never had any complications. No GD, no high blood pressure, no bed rest, no preterm labor, my water never broke, etc. In fact, both boys were head down at the end too. Looking back it's frustrating and it disappoints me. I went in early in the morning November 18th, 2011 as requested for my csection. I had already pre registered and gone in to finalize everything and I was "ready." My in laws were here, my parents were here, Shaina was here and Sam and GG would be here the next day. Everyone was in the waiting room and Erik and I were anxious. I did develop an umbilical hernia so we had to wait for both my OBGYN and the surgeon to repair my hernia to arrive. But then it was go time. I remember being separated from Erik and for a split second I let it cross my mind "what if I don't see him again!??" It was enough to freak me out. I was so anxious about that needle in my back. I watched them draw blood. I couldn't imagine not seeing that needle go into my back. I was uncomfortable and terrified and they wanted me to sit in the weirdest position. I don't even know how long it took. I can remember laying on the table praying to see my husband soon and thinking "what if they cut me and I can feel it??" I remember them pricking my toe and I told them I could feel it…. I don't even know if I really could or if I was just completely mortified. But they gave me more meds. I was almost completely out of it. I don't even remember the boys crying. I don't remember EVER seeing Ephraim. I remember the nurse asking Erik if he was going to take any pictures - he was frozen! Next thing I know they're ready to take the babies but I still need my hernia repair and to be sewn up. I'm commanding Erik go with the babies. He doesn't want to leave me but I don't want him to leave them. I remember asking the nurse if the doctor was going to come fix my hernia so I could get out of there. She said he was done and already sewing me up. I wanted to puke. By the time I got to recovery, they "tested' my toes and I could feel them for real this time. The nurse said if I had been in there 5 more minutes I would've felt them closing me up. I don't know how long it was until I saw my babies. It was hours. I had lost so much blood and I was out of it. It was a blur. We were in the hospital from Friday morning until Monday night. I asked three times to go to the bathroom between arriving in my room and Sunday night. Each time they'd stand me up and I'd collapse --- "I can't feel my legs." I could see the fear on Erik's face. By the third time I thought he was going to break down. They re-catheterized me three times. I thought they were going to damage to me there too. I clearly remember a student doing it once. I thought Erik was going to loose it on her. When I was finally able to walk it was like relearning. I felt like a toddler. I was terrified and completely grateful at the same time. The OBGYN looked us in the face and said she thought they did real damage to me. She also told me I came as close as a hair on my head from needing a blood transfusion. Something else I never gave thought to. Looking back I should've DEMANDED one. The first few months of the twins lives would've been so much more manageable. I am grateful that God was watching over this birth. He clearly had a plan. The twins were healthy and, Praise God, didn't even spend one second in the NICU. While it was a bit traumatic for me, I was okay in the long run. I came home with my babies and we made it work. My scar is barely noticeable and Erik and I are both amazed that they both came out of there at the same time and you can't even see it! I thank God for keeping the three of us safe!
I do regret not doing my research and not advocating for myself, my rights, what I believe in and the birth experience I wanted. I am bummed that we were unable to form a breastfeeding bond. I cannot change the past. But I intend to to learn from it and do more research than I know what to do with and advocate for myself. I believe my body was made to birth and it can and will be able to birth this baby naturally. We are fighting for a HBAC this time around (home birth after cesarean). I know all the positive and negative and we are continuing our research. I believe that God will show us the way as He will SURELY be involved in every step of this process. While HBAC is our number one goal, VBAC is our number two, even if it doesn't end up being in our home. I will say that if I end up on the operating table, it will be with peace this time that every avenue was explored and I did research and advocated and didn't just say "yes ma'am and no ma'am". I will also fight for my rights to have my baby immediately after that csection. I will NOT do anything that isn't 100% healthy for myself and the baby and 100% supported by our care provider. We will be meeting with our potential midwife Thursday morning and I'm really excited.
But before that, I'll share with you how we got to this part of our journey. Stay tuned for more of the research, phone calls, meetings, appointments and the roller coaster we've already experienced!
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