I remember after I announced I was pregnant with Ezekiel the number one thing people loved to ask me was "are you sure there's just one in there?!" I understood their curiosity but it was frankly, annoying. This always followed a conversation of how much easier it's going to be for me to have just one baby this time....
Ezekiel has single handedly broken me. Erik and I always wanted four kids and I now hesitate about the possibility of that 4th. Let me be clear. I love Ezekiel with my entire heart. I love all three of my sons equally and yet so differently, to meet their individual needs. I love being a mother. But Ezekiel has been an incredible challenge and I do not feel ready to tackle anything deep, especially a new addition. After all, my sweet boy is just a toddler who still needs his mommy's attention.
Ezekiel is a mommas boy. He has a serious case of mamitis. Sometimes I want to scream at him to give me a freakin' break already and sometimes I just want to soak it up. It's been a challenge with him from the beginning. I really wanted a VBAC. With every fiber of my body I wanted one, but it wasn't in the cards for us. I do not regret my decision. I empowered myself. I educated myself. I made life long friends in my birth team. And when the time came, I made the best decision for my son and I trusted my team. But I do believe that all the trauma of hours of labor, being stuck on my sacrum for quite some time and then a cesarean anyways, truly affected Zeek from the beginning.
Zeek and I have been through so much together in such a short time. Laboring at home for over 24 hours, a csection, trying to create a successful breastfeeding relationship that dealt with getting tongue tie and lip tie corrected (twice for the tongue since I made the HUGE mistake of not seeing a preferred provider the first time), learning to baby wear, never taking a bottle (okay, for maybe a month but not like REALLY taking a bottle), hating the car, not taking naps, hating the crib, co sleeping, trying to create a schedule to just mess it up and then create a new one, illnesses (I was deathly sick and STILL nursing this child), traveling by car and plane, learning to enjoy our time together alone, serious separation anxiety, chronic fluid in his ears, becoming chronic ear infections, leading to tubes next month. I could go on and on.
But this sweet little boy of mine has literally forever changed my life. He's given me a passion for new mommies (and I'm not talking moms with their first kid, I"m talking moms with new babies weather it's #1 or #9!). He's made me rethink my days sometimes and has allowed me many opportunities to be selfless even when that was the last thing I wanted to do. He's shown me what the saying "He'll eat you out of house and home" is really about.... this kid can EAT and he's STILL nursing too!!
I don't like to sugar coat things.... I like to lay it out. And there's only so much I can lay out here. But I will talk to any one about most anything. Post Partum Depression is real and it's AWFUL! Iron deficiency anemia, pregnant or otherwise, is a TOUGH battle. Making medical decisions for yourself and/or your children.... how? I still regret not doing better research for Ezekiel with his tongue and lip ties and not seeking a preferred provider, etc. Wishing you could change your name to something other than "mom" or better yet, wishing just for awhile you had a "real job" outside of the house! Trying to figure out how to balance self care, catering to the children and being a proper wife and housekeeper. Motherhood is NOT for the weak at heart but even on my WORST days, I love my "job" and it is a HARD job and a truly important one.
Erik and I are working on growing and changing our family. We're trying to get on a better path spiritually and mentally and we're trying to train our boys with more positive perspectives. Pray for us on this journey. Whenever you make a mindset to make change for the good, the demons will always be in your path. But God is so much bigger and we are ready!
The twins are doing so well in school. They love school so much. They're both learning to read and they sometimes completely blow me away. They're also playing Upward Basketball this Spring. Today was their first official game and my sweet Elijah scored the first basket of the game. It was awesome and even he couldn't believe it! We're also in the process of, hopefully, final allergy testing with them. They did all the skin tests and all the things we were worries about checked out negative. However, she's asking Elijah to do a detailed test of blood work to be safe before reintroducing foods. So we're hoping to get that done soon and go from there.
Remember that job Erik was working that we were looking forward to "the end" of it in November? Well.....they offered him a full time job we couldn't resist. So our lives took a big shift. He's still doing photography but much more exclusive now and is gone everyday, working out of the home. I know that's a norm in most households but something insane for me to adjust to after having him around all the time! God is good and really does work in mysterious ways though. And this is definitely a good move for our family.
Speaking of move.... Lord willing we're going to move this summer. Not too far - possibly into Broward to be slightly closer to the offices for Erik, but I know God will guide us where he wants us. Regardless it'll be a house or townhouse with some sort of back yard for the boys which will be HUGE for us AND for them. And, God willing, we'll have better space to accommodate family when they visit.... so when mom and dad come next month, it will be the last time the visit us in our apartment! (Well, at least together since dad doesn't come to Miami much!)
Lots of things are happening for us and I love seeing God working. Ezekiel is getting tubes in his ears next month and hopefully Elijah will complete all this allergy testing. I've also got some health issues going on and may end up needing iron infusions again. Please keep those things in your prayers. It's never easy to care for ourselves when we have little ones to prioritize! I'm sure I've missed a lot since little killer turned one, but clearly it's harder and harder to blog as he gets more active. And lets be honest, I've never been consistent but at least there's SOME documentation of life! Until next time.... here's a cute Valentine for you taken by my friend, Jessica Vilchez (www.jessicavilchezphotography.com)
