Pregnancy #2: Meeting our Midwife

Growing up, I always wanted to be a mom. But when I was encouraged to pick a career outside of the home, it ALWAYS involved kids and babies. The two most common were a preschool director and a labor & delivery nurse. Little did I know, God was prepping me to be a mom to twins and an advocate for myself and my family.

After watching "The Business of Being Born," Erik and I had a different perspective on maternity care, labor and delivery…. even newborn care! We knew we wanted a completely different experience for our family with this baby than we had been offered with the twins. And we also knew we DESPERATELY wanted the twins involved!

As you read in my last post, we researched our way to an appointment yesterday morning with a midwife, Miriam. Her office was about 20 minutes from our home and the opposite direction of traffic. When we got there, the boys immediately spotted her play area and made themselves at home. We chatted for about an hour. I walked in with about 60 questions and I walked out with about two dozen answered. That's nothing negative, in fact, it's completely positive… a direct reflection of how thorough she is! (Plus some of my questions can easily wait until further along in this process). If money weren't a factor, we would've signed immediately! Luckily for us, she took our insurance info and said she'd reach out to them and let us know what she came up with and what we still needed to do!!! She's also going to work with me on some homeopathic ways to raise my iron levels. SCORE!

Does this mean we're getting out HBAC?!?? I still cannot answer that. There are some KEY deciding factors factors that will not be answered until closer to the end. 1) My hemoglobin is currently at 8.2. It HAS TO BE an 11 to have a home birth. And there is always a drop in iron around 25-27 weeks. So the key is raising it and maintaining it through (or again after) that point. 2) I have to meet with Dr. Spence at North Shore Medical Center. He is the back up OB for the midwives and he's VBAC supportive. He'll review my record and most importantly my post operative report from my csection with the twins. He has to see what kind of incisions they made. They could've cut my abdomen horizontally but still cut my uterus vertically. If that's the case, I am no longer a candidate for a home birth…and possibly not even for a VBAC. He also needs to see if they used stitches, staples, derma bond, etc and how many layers. That will also factor into it. To add to this, I had an umbilical hernia repair during my csection, so that too will have to be looked at. What happens if I am not cleared for a home birth??? If that's the case, I will still have all my prenatal, post partum and newborn care with Miriam, But she will keep Dr. Spence "in the loop" and he will deliver at North Shore. If I'm still a VBAC candidate, he will support that and let me try but we will have faster access to csection and/or medical intervention, if necessary. The third 3) mark for HBAC (if approved by Dr. Spence) is 37 weeks. I have to make it there. If my water should break before then, I transfer to North Shore. 42 weeks i s also as far as I can go before transfer, as well. 4) Lastly, if baby is breech, we will try natural remedies to turn him/her but if baby doesn't turn by 37 weeks (they generally won't turn past then) then care will transfer to Dr. Spence.

So we learned a lot! And I know you're wondering why we wouldn't just deliver with Dr. Spence at North Shore to be safe from the beginning and have that relationship. Well, we want a family centered experience. We desperately want the boys involved. We don't want an unnecessary medical interventions or pressures. We don't want rules. We'd really love a water birth. And most importantly, we just want the comfort of our space, our home. Miriam can offer all this to us. And even if we do end up delivering with Dr. Spence, Miriam still involves the boys, allows us to bring them to appointments and is PERSONAL with us. We are comfortable with her. And that's huge! We're trusting God & if it's meant to be, it will be. If not, we will have peace with the decisions and the research we have done.

And to celebrate, since we were all out anyways, we went on a family lunch date to Samurai! I was born and raised in a Christian home. I officially remember accepting Christ & being baptized at age 7. But this is the first real time I can honestly say I've had to let go & let God. I'm as stubborn as they come. I've never been able to fully rely on God. But we've learned that this will ONLY be successful if we release control to Him and let His will guide us. I truly believe He's shaping my testimony through this. That is something worth celebrating!

After lunch and getting everyone home and the boys to nap, off to Westchester I went for my iron infusion. By 7pm I was on a "natural energy high." (Too bad I feel like it's worn off already today!!!) 

We haven't officially hired Miriam yet. We've already had multiple emails since yesterday. She's going to try to get some insurance answers for us. She's also going to look into getting me to see Dr. Spence sooner so we can hopefully have a few answers. I can confidently say we'll be moving forward with Miriam, at least for prenatal, post partum and newborn care, if nothing else at all. She's FABULOUS! We're excited and we feel so comfortable with this decision. We're mostly grateful to God for His guidance. Bring it on! We're ready!

Pregnancy #2: Choosing Homebirth

I had already been researching midwives, homebirths, birthing centers, water births, natural births, essential oils during pregnancy and birth, and even family centered csections (just in case) before deciding to leave my OBGYN. I wanted to know what I was talking about when I talked to doctors/professionals. I told you in a previous post that my OBGYN is the sister of my PCP. My insurance requires I have a referral from my PCP to see ANYONE other than him. So when I got pregnant, of course he referred me to his sister. So I knew it would be a hard conversation to ask to see another doctor. I had done research and decided on a doctor in Broward. The main reasons were because she was VBAC friendly, she was covered under my insurance as was the hospital she delivered at and the reviews were okay enough for me. I walked into my PCP office and said “please don’t get mad at me but I need a referral to another OBGYN – I’d like to see this one.” He asked me where I lived. “Right here” I told him. So why do you want to go to Broward?!? I explained that I wanted a VBAC. He asked why I’d had a csection before. I informed him because there were two babies. No other reason. Every single thing had been planned. He said I SHOULD get a VBAC. It would be better for me to deliver vaginally then surgically for the sake of my iron and blood loss. I couldn’t believe I actually had some support. He asked if I had talked to his sister about it and I told him that truthfully, I hadn’t even met her yet and I told him what happened and what the PA said. He told me to schedule another appointment with her ONLY and talk to his sister directly about it. Even if it means I have to go to her Homestead office on a Saturday (apparently she’s the only one there?). He said he was sure she’d work it out for me and if not, he’d give me the referral. I was so pumped up! Unfortunately after my “high” wore off I started to realize that he couldn’t make those decisions for her. Even if he could, the hospital could choose to not support it. And quite frankly, I didn’t trust their care at this point. Everything told me I didn’t want to go back so why was I giving in and going to go against that intuition? Besides, that’s his sister. I guarantee he just wants to keep the money in the family…. Sorry but that’s how I felt.

So I continued my research and conversations. (last names will be left out to protect my friends). I spoke to Jen, a fellow mom and friend. She’s been a huge resource and has directed me to many great resources, most importantly to ICAN of South Florida (International Ceseran Awareness Network). While I haven’t made a meeting yet, they had a GREAT document for VBAC friendly providers and have already answered so many questions and provided me with so much information. I spoke to Katie, a friend of mine since middle school who is the mom of two and pregnant again. She gave me the information of her midwife whom had walked with her through her second pregnancy. While it still ended in a cesearn, it happened with much more peace and empowerment for her. I asked the ladies of MOPS if anyone had any experience or recommendations and Robyn, another mom of two, graciously gave me her midwife's information… the same lady as Katie! I spoke to Kristi, a friend since elementary. She had two successful homebirths and one that ended in a hospital transfer and cesearn and still intends to return for a HBAC in the future. She was a huge encouragement and has made herself available to me for any questions. She also recommended we watch “The Business of Being Born.” I spoke to moms on my twins facebook page. I got lots of pointers, suggestions, even some fear, and anxiety and just thoughts in general from moms and also from moms who have medical experience.  I was overwhelmed. And insurance was causing a HUGE roadblock. I prayed. I cried. And I asked other people to pray too.

Finally I realized something important I hadn’t done…. I hadn’t asked my husband what he wanted. So I did. Erik said he wanted me to have the birth that I wanted. He didn’t want to see me miserable and in pain. But he wanted the baby and I healthy. He said he’d be most comfortable with a natural birth in a hospital setting. So I felt I had my answer.

I registered for the free month trial of Netflix DVD delivery and ordered “The Business of Being Born.” Sunday after church we put the kids down for a nap. We sat down and popped in the DVD and had no idea what to expect. We were COMPLETELY overwhelmed. We cried. Elijah woke up from nap and we couldn’t bring ourselves to turn it off. Our three year old was ENGROSSED in babies being born. And when it was over he asked if he could meet his baby. He was so excited. We all were. Erik looked at me and said, “we’re going to have this baby at home. Find some midwives, let’s meet them and get it going. We’re going to make this work.” I emailed my ladies from church that night and told them what had happened and asked for their prayers of this decision and this journey. My friend and mom of four, Rachel responded saying I had to reach out to her friend Miriam. She told me Miriam was a friend from Zumba and she was a beautiful, Godly woman who is also a Midwife. I found her on facebook Monday and messaged her. I wasn’t 100% ready for a phone call yet. It was not long until I got a response from her that she’d be thrilled to help my family on our journey and to call her the next day. Something about telephone calls with strangers intimidates me. I’m definitely a technology lady – can we just text or email? But this is such an important decision and moment and I’m an adult. I could do it and I knew I needed to. So naptime came and my house was quite. I set myself up with a notebook and I made the call. She was so friendly. She talked me through a few things, answered a few questions. We were on the phone about 25 minutes. The longest I’d talked to anyone other than my mom in a long time. The best part is – she told me she works with a partner and I’d meet them both and if I proceeded with them, they’d most likely both be at the birth. Guess who her partner is? The same midwife that worked with Katie and Robyn! I knew it was meant to be! I had a sense of peace wash over me that I hadn’t experienced this entire pregnancy and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God was involved. She told me she works in an office setting on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s for consultation and care but she was happy to come to my house or meet in a coffee shop too if I preferred. I told her I wanted my husband present for the initial consultation and he was available this Thursday. I asked if there was any way we could make it work. She said she’d meet us at the office at 9:30am. And guys, she ENCOURAGED ME to bring the twins. She said this is a vital part of their lives and they should be involved as much or as little as we want them to be. She even told me there were some “loopholes” with insurance that we could discuss. Erik came home and I couldn’t share with him fast enough. She emailed us some paperwork that I’ve already read through twice. I have a list of questions 50 deep. Tonight we’re going to watch “More Business of Being Born” and go over the questions to be sure we’re not missing anything. I’m super excited about tomorrow. I’m not creating any expectations but I know 100% for sure that God is in this and He’s rooting for us and He wants what we want.

Whatever happens come August, we will have a sweet new baby to hold and we will know that God ordained the birth, no matter how it happens. We will know that we exhausted every option we had, to ensure our birth plan was followed and my body was allowed to do it’s job and mommy and baby are healthy. You have no idea what your support and continued prayers mean to us. I know some of you are afraid for us and this journey. I understand where you come from. But this is something that has to be intimate between the four (soon to be five) of us, our midwife and most importantly, God. We know a HBAC/VBAC is not for everyone but for today, its part of our journey and we love sharing with you and knowing that you have specific ways to pray for us. No more updates for today. I’ll share about meeting our midwife soon enough!

Pregnancy #2: Walking away from Traditional OBGYN

Going to Texas for Christmas turned out to be a great choice for us. It definitely wouldn’t be happening next year with a new baby on the way and I needed the distraction from life. Plus Erik had the flexibility since he was working from home full time and even though it would set us behind financially a little bit, we weighed it to be more positive then negative. At the time, no one knew we were pregnant. In Erik fashion we planned a photo shoot and he took a short video. As soon as we got to the ranch we shared it with his parents and over the course of our Texas trip the majority of his family would find out. Since being separated from the Bush gang for the holidays, we’ve made it tradition to skype as we open our gifts. We mailed the disc to them with “play me” and wrapped it as a gift. The Sunday before Christmas we skyped after church since we knew that Christmas day would be crazy and Sam was off to Maine on Christmas Eve. As soon as they opened the gift Sam and Shai asked if I was pregnant! JUST WATCH THE VIDEO! The girls screamed with excitement and I told you so’s and momma cried. It was sweet and fun considering the distance. Then on Christmas Day we made it “facebook official.” Some people criticized and said it was too early. We should wait until the end of the first trimester, especially if something went wrong and since I was already having a few red flags. I felt like if something did go wrong, I’d need the support for the grief as much as the support for the excitement and so we chose to share. It’s a personal decision and that was ours. There was so much going on that I felt our friends deserved the whole story.

We left on December 16^th and we FINALLY got home on January 3^rd. It was a long trip. It was worth it. But I was EXHAUSTED. I could barely unpack much less make meals for my family and 90% of the time I was asleep on the couch before the kids were. Thankfully Erik was understanding and so supportive. At the end of our vacation, Erik received a telephone call from a detox center about a job. He had never applied for a job but someone that he used to work with recommended him. He took it as a sign and went to interview with them on January 6^th. He was hired part time (his choice) on the spot and started work January 13^th. It was the first time in almost 3 years that he had worked a regular schedule outside of the home. But we knew God was doing something and opening doors and all we could do was pray, trust and watch it unfold. There is so much more to this that is amazing to us but not essential to this pregnancy journey. The first day Erik worked he left at 7am and didn’t return home until well after 9pm. I was exhausted emotionally, physically and mentally. But we knew that it was just temporary and an adjustment. He will be gone Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday. He has to leave by 7:30am the latest to get to work on time. On Monday’s he goes straight to BSF so he’s not home until after 9:00pm. On Tuesday and Wednesday he’s home between 7:00 & 7:30pm. The boys have started waking up at 6:30am because they want their time with papi. But just two weeks into this and we’re slowly adjusting and finding our "new normal".

I was also able to see the doctor (finally) before he started work on the 12^th. And I got my first infusion on the 16^th. The doctor set me up with 100mg of venofer IV (iron through an IV) every 10 days. However I have to go to Westchester hospital’s ER for this. Every 10 days means it falls sometimes when Erik works. For example, Monday should’ve been my next one. However, I personally don't love the thought of being a healthy pregnant lady inside of a germ infested ER and have no intention of exposing the twins to that. Instead I will go tomorrow afternoon and next week I will see the doctor again. I’m going to ask him to give me the maximum dose of 300 mg and call it for every 7 days so I can go every Thursday or Friday while Erik is home to watch the twins. This will also hopefully allow me to get up to where I need to be in less visits (since each visit is a $50 co pay). I will however say that after that infusion (first of the new year but third in total) I saw a drastic change in my energy. I still need to nap when the boys do but I’m able to do some basic things around the house and it’s not so daunting to take the boys out. And guess what…. I haven’t chewed a piece of ice in a MONTH! Erik is SHOCKED! So something is happening even if it’s not EXACTLY at the pace that we want.

In the meantime I also saw the OBGYN on the 8^th to follow up on the baby's heartbeat. It was another unpleasant experience. I originally had my appointment on the 6^th with the PA. But I called and changed it to the 8^th so I could see the actual doctor and I SPECIFICALLY requested her. I also needed an ultrasound to check the baby's heart beat. I had called 3 times to schedule that because it has to be scheduled directly through the sonographer. She never called me back. I ended up waiting in the office for an hour to be seen by her and of course I got the huffing and puffing like I was such an inconvenience to her. She did my ultrasound in literally 5 minutes. She found the baby, found the heartbeat and told me we’re finished. Not sure what I expected but it was so rushed, unpleasant and not personal. Luckily the baby's heartbeat was 187 BPM. Good, strong, healthy heartbeat! And still, just ONE baby! I was happy, even if she was bitter. She immediately scheduled me for my follow up ultrasound at 12 weeks (supposed to be this Friday) saying it would be my first of three anatomy exams. I asked if I could bring the twins just in case I didn’t have Erik and she said there isn’t room for them and she prefers them not to be there and if they are they cannot be a distraction or she would reschedule me and with that, she sent me to the room to wait for the doctor. A nurse came in and asked me if I wanted to see the dr or the PA. I told her I preferred to see the doctor since I hadn’t met her yet. And guess what?? You better believe the PA came in. I was so frustrated. The PA is so sweet and kind and I feel comfortable with her but the reality is she cannot deliver my baby! But I proceeded to ask her about VBAC support. You’ll never believe how she slammed that door. Not only did she not let me finish my thoughts she straight up told me it wouldn’t be considered because the doctor legally cannot leave the hospital once I go into labor and it’s not worth it to them for the money they’ll loose to close the practice. WOW! I thought someone knocked the wind out of me. No care or concern for the health of myself or the baby. It’s all dollar signs. They also insisted I get prenatal bloodwork done before I left. My primary had specifically said not to draw blood, bring him the bloodwork and he’d do it for me with the iron panel and send it to them. The said they’d add the iron panel into theirs and notate what was going on. I left knowing I’d never be back in that office. ANNNDDD 15 whole days later they called to say “Mrs. Esparza, your bloodwork showed you have low iron, we’re calling in a supplement for you.” No thanks – if you’d listen when I’d talk, you’d know this is already being taken care of! The absolute icing on the cake was yesterday. I called to cancel my appointments for Friday. I’m not sure what’s going to happen with this baby but I know he/she will NOT be delivered by that practice. The “excuse” I gave was that I didn’t have child care and I would have to figure out when I can get the twins taken care of to come in and I’d call back to reschedule. The sonographer actually told me that I care more about my boys then I care about my unborn baby, that this exam was vital and if I didn’t receive it within the next week it would be too late for them to do anything for me. I just hung up the phone on her. I’m not usually that rude, but I couldn’t take her comments anymore. I told Erik I didn’t even care if we lost the money we’d already paid to cover my prenatal appointments; I would not go back to that office no matter what the circumstances were. I am continuously thankful for such a supportive and understanding husband.

Hopefully it’ll take just one more post to update you on the research I’ve done so far and how I ended up with the office we’ll be visiting tomorrow….

Pregnancy #2: From the Beginning

After the twins were born, I saw my OBGYN again for my 6 week post partum check up and that was the end of that. I no longer had insurance as I had "aged out" of my parents and no one else wanted to cover me because of my pre existing condition of my gastric bypass surgery. Unfortunately, looking back, I think I went through some really rough spells of PPD. It was tough to have my mom here and see her joy and love for her new found "grandma" title, to have all the help she provided and the bond she was creating with the boys, only to have to say good bye when they weren't even two weeks old. I clearly remember my dad asking if he needed to leave my mom behind. If you know my dad, you know that's RARE. I desperately wanted to scream YES! But I didn't know if my health truly needed her and I didn't want to be selfish. I also knew my in laws needed some time too…. after all, they were all equal grandparents. So the good-bye's commenced. Thankfully my in laws stayed for close to three more weeks. I think it was December 22 or 23 that they left to go spend Christmas in Texas. It was another rough round of good byes. We were happy to have the opportunity to see if we could do it, but it was also so weird to have such a quite house for the holidays. Totally not what I was used to. I was missing the Bush Family breakfast and the hustle and bustle of love and excitement. Eventually we found our balance and somehow I made it through my PPD without realizing until now, that's what I was experiencing. Unfortunately, no insurance meant no more check ups for me and no more following up on my iron.

Fast forward a few years later…. I finally got approved for Obamacare in 2014. In October, I made that dreaded doctor's appointment. My iron HAD to be low. The insane amounts of ice my body DEPENDED on chewing, could NOT be healthy. I walked in and they had blood drawn and told me to schedule a new appointment for a follow up. I came back and the doctor told me my hemoglobin was 8.2 apparently normal is 12 but it's not cause for concern until it's under 8. I had also been taking the wrong kind of OTC iron - which I found out myself prior to my appointment. Apparently I don't absorb certain irons because of my gastric bypass. Thanks to a Facebook support page for patients, I was able to get direction on the proper iron and luckily they carry it at Publix. So the dr recommended I take two pills a day for a month and retest my blood. That's what we did. However, our Thanksgiving travels fell in there, so I was supposed to get my blood as soon as we got back. While we were gone for Thanksgiving I remember sending a photo of myself and Ephraim to my mom and she responded saying I was "beautiful" and "glowing." A few days later, Erik took a photo of me and when I saw it on his computer I remember thinking "why do I look like I have a baby bump?" Then something hit me and off to Wal Mart I went for a home pregnancy test. The next day we came home and Erik went to BSF. While he was gone I took the test. I couldn't BELIEVE it was positive. Obviously I had to tell Erik but the next morning was my bloodwork so I figured I'd let the doctor confirm first this time. I told the doctor and he tested my for pregnancy too. Sure enough, I was pregnant. After a month of double iron pills, there was also no improvement in my hemoglobin. The dr said the good news is that it also hadn't dropped and since a baby takes 50% of our supply, he was happy with that. He also said he was pretty sure that my iron was too low to absorb anything. He said I'd need infusions to boost my iron and then hopefully the OTC pills would be able to do their job. So he gave me a prescription to go on Friday for an infusion and told me to come back Monday for more bloodwork. He also sent me to see his sister whose an OBGYN (my insurance doesn't cover the doctor who delivered the boys). Fast forward - Monday came, more bloodwork, no change. So orders for another infusion the next Friday and more bloodwork the next Monday. We were supposed to leave for Texas that Monday for Christmas. He said if my numbers go up I can go. LOTS of prayers at this point. The next day I went to the OBGYN. Not a big appointment. Too early to do anything. Didn't meet the doctor, just the PA and she prescribed prenatals, took my vitals and basically just got me in the system. Fast forward the next Monday. Second infusion done, bloodwork done, no change. I was so frustrated I could cry. This time they ran a full anemia panel and found my ferritin was 53. They want it to be 100 BEFORE you get pregnant. Dr said I shouldn't go to Texas to come back tomorrow and see his brother whose an internal medicine specialist. That's what I did. We packed for Texas and prayed something drastic would happen. I walked in Tuesday and met his brother. He was so kind and talked me through everything. He said that I would need a series of infusions to see any improvement….. close to 6 or 8. He said there was no reason I shouldn't be able to go to Texas as long as I promised to take it fairly easy and not over due it and get infusions going as soon as I returned. He also said he wanted to call his sister to be safe. He called her and she said "well how's the baby?" I said "I have no idea, it's too early to see anything." She said "send her to my office, if we can see the baby and a clear heartbeat, I'm okay with it." I drove to her office excited that we might go to Texas but wondering what she thought they'd see at 5 weeks 4 days. At the least it would confirm or deny a second set of twins! In I walked and the ultrasound tech was SO RUDE! She couldn't believe she had to do an ultrasound and swore she wouldn't see anything. I was "too early" and this was "ridiculous." But there was my baby. Small as a peanut. And I couldn't breathe. I also couldn't get over how RUDE she was!  Because the boys were twins, we saw a perinatal office every 2-4 weeks and they were the kindest people ever! This lady was opposite. First she tried abdominally. Even I know you won't see anything that way as early as I was. Then she tried internally and was just mean and made it painful. She measured the heartbeat and couldn't find it. She kept trying - telling me to hold my breath and pushing hard on my stomach. She finally found it. 86 bpm. And she said "well that's not a viable baby." I could've cried. She tried again, same numbers. So off to the PA I went…. still no doctor. The PA said that it could go either way…. I could loose the baby or the baby could be fine. All we could do was pray. If I lost the baby, I'd know. I left feeling so sad and defeated. But then I did some research of my own and everything that I read and everyone that I talked to said that if we even heard a heartbeat that early, then we've got a strong baby and everything would be fine. I chose to believe that. Texas, we were on our way…..

REWIND A BIT….. After the twins celebrated their third birthday, my in laws took them back to the ranch for a few days. We had a really busy week prior to Thanksgiving travels and they wanted quality time with the boys so it was a win win. Of course with the boys gone, the conversation of when we wanted to explore the option of baby #3 came along…. through that week we officially tried once and then got nervous about growing our family and decided we'd wait just a little longer. Who knew, even the second time around, it would happen the first time! I couldn't believe when I got that positive test. I was excited and slightly overwhelmed but the first real thought I had was "I can't have this baby in an operating room again." After Erik new about the baby I said "Babe, we have to figure out how to do this naturally. It's not going to be easy, but we have to fight." And that was the beginning of our journey….

Pregnancy #2: A Look Back at the First Round

When God blessed Erik and I with the twins, as excited as we were, we also knew it would delay the process of a second pregnancy. Adding a newborn to a fairly fresh marriage is challenge enough. Adding TWO newborns is a completely different dynamic. My sisters and I are all about 18 months apart and while I'm sure it was rough for my mom in the beginning, I think it's a fairly decent separation as adults. Erik and his brother are about 3 1/2 years apart. I always thought my kids would be about 18 months apart too. But twins changed that ballgame. Erik and I decided we'd revisit having another baby after the twins turned 3…. closer to his age gap with his brother. By 3 the twins should be a little bit more independent and aware of what a new baby means. (And boy are they EVER!) We would've never guessed we'd get pregnant again the WEEK they turned three. But we did and here we are…. expecting another bundle of joy come August (give or take 8/14/2015). As I type this I'm currently 11 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Everyone loves to tell me that this must be so much easier being one baby…. but I promise you, so far the twins pregnancy was easier than this one. I know some of it I've brought upon myself but I've also dealt with food aversions and exhaustion that I didn't deal with the first time around. Mostly because I'm suffering from anemia as well. Early on in this pregnancy, I told Erik I was going to fight for a VBAC and he was supportive. Little did we know, it would be an uphill, stressful, battle. As this journey progresses, I've decided to document as much as I can in hopes that I will carry this experience with me for many years and maybe help someone else in the future. In order to appropriately share this journey, I need to give the proper history.

In April 2011 I got my first positive pregnancy test. Erik and I had literally only tried once and we were both shocked. I can clearly remember speaking to Cathi Chandler and telling her "I think I'm pregnant" for her to say "don't get your hopes up, it doesn't always happen the first time around and most of the symptoms can also be your time of month." Needless to say, we were both shocked with that positive test. I remember Erik saying "don't tell anyone until we talk to a doctor." I wasn't sure the difference between their test and mine but I was so excited I got the first available appointment three days later. I also remember telling my sister, Shaina the same day, and swearing her to secrecy. We thought we couldn't be more excited. Fast forward about 3 weeks later…. we went for the first ultrasound and the doctor says "there's baby a and there's baby b." Erik had told me it was twins. I just chalked it up to excitement. How many people say they want to experience twins? I almost fell off the table. I cried and he laughed. It was epic. I remember her telling me to get dressed and asking us to come to her office. She explained how she was pretty confident the twins were mono/di twins - identical twins. She also informed me in that moment they'd be a csection and we'd schedule that as it got a lot closer. She said it wasn't safe to deliver them vaginally because while one twin could come out fine, the other could end in an emergency csection. I think I asked once more through the course of my pregnancy and that was the extent of that. I was young, a first time mom and there were TWO kids growing in me. I pretty much worshiped every word that came out of her mouth. My iron was low during the pregnancy but I was never told how low and just told to take an additional iron supplement with my prenatal and that was that. I never had any complications. No GD, no high blood pressure, no bed rest, no preterm labor, my water never broke, etc. In fact, both boys were head down at the end too. Looking back it's frustrating and it disappoints me. I went in early in the morning November 18th, 2011 as requested for my csection. I had already pre registered and gone in to finalize everything and I was "ready." My in laws were here, my parents were here, Shaina was here and Sam and GG would be here the next day. Everyone was in the waiting room and Erik and I were anxious. I did develop an umbilical hernia so we had to wait for both my OBGYN and the surgeon to repair my hernia to arrive. But then it was go time. I remember being separated from Erik and for a split second I let it cross my mind "what if I don't see him again!??" It was enough to freak me out. I was so anxious about that needle in my back. I watched them draw blood. I couldn't imagine not seeing that needle go into my back. I was uncomfortable and terrified and they wanted me to sit in the weirdest position. I don't even know how long it took. I can remember laying on the table praying to see my husband soon and thinking "what if they cut me and I can feel it??" I remember them pricking my toe and I told them I could feel it…. I don't even know if I really could or if I was just completely mortified. But they gave me more meds. I was almost completely out of it. I don't even remember the boys crying. I don't remember EVER seeing Ephraim. I remember the nurse asking Erik if he was going to take any pictures - he was frozen! Next thing I know they're ready to take the babies but I still need my hernia repair and to be sewn up. I'm commanding Erik go with the babies. He doesn't want to leave me but I don't want him to leave them. I remember asking the nurse if the doctor was going to come fix my hernia so I could get out of there. She said he was done and already sewing me up. I wanted to puke. By the time I got to recovery, they "tested' my toes and I could feel them for real this time. The nurse said if I had been in there 5 more minutes I would've felt them closing me up. I don't know how long it was until I saw my babies. It was hours. I had lost so much blood and I was out of it. It was a blur. We were in the hospital from Friday morning until Monday night. I asked three times to go to the bathroom between arriving in my room and Sunday night. Each time they'd stand me up and I'd collapse --- "I can't feel my legs." I could see the fear on Erik's face. By the third time I thought he was going to break down. They re-catheterized me three times. I thought they were going to damage to me there too. I clearly remember a student doing it once. I thought Erik was going to loose it on her. When I was finally able to walk it was like relearning. I felt like a toddler. I was terrified and completely grateful at the same time. The OBGYN looked us in the face and said she thought they did real damage to me. She also told me I came as close as a hair on my head from needing a blood transfusion. Something else I never gave thought to. Looking back I should've DEMANDED one. The first few months of the twins lives would've been so much more manageable. I am grateful that God was watching over this birth. He clearly had a plan. The twins were healthy and, Praise God, didn't even spend one second in the NICU. While it was a bit traumatic for me, I was okay in the long run. I came home with my babies and we made it work. My scar is barely noticeable and Erik and I are both amazed that they both came out of there at the same time and you can't even see it! I thank God for keeping the three of us safe!

I do regret not doing my research and not advocating for myself, my rights, what I believe in and the birth experience I wanted. I am bummed that we were unable to form a breastfeeding bond. I cannot change the past. But I intend to to learn from it and do more research than I know what to do with and advocate for myself. I believe my body was made to birth and it can and will be able to birth this baby naturally. We are fighting for a HBAC this time around (home birth after cesarean). I know all the positive and negative and we are continuing our research. I believe that God will show us the way as He will SURELY be involved in every step of this process. While HBAC is our number one goal, VBAC is our number two, even if it doesn't end up being in our home. I will say that if I end up on the operating table, it will be with peace this time that every avenue was explored and I did research and advocated and didn't just say "yes ma'am and no ma'am". I will also fight for my rights to have my baby immediately after that csection. I will NOT do anything that isn't 100% healthy for myself and the baby and 100% supported by our care provider. We will be meeting with our potential midwife Thursday morning and I'm really excited.

But before that, I'll share with you how we got to this part of our journey. Stay tuned for more of the research, phone calls, meetings, appointments and the roller coaster we've already experienced!