Pregnancy #2: Raw Emotions

“Being able to survive it doesn’t mean it was ever okay”

I’m not sure I will ever be able to put into words what I really went through and really felt with my attempted HBAC. I have so many mixed emotions when it comes to the overall experience. I will forever be eternally grateful that my mom was able to be here with me. Sharing those moments with her and with Erik were incredible. It was like the three of us were in our bubble. It was exactly the way I wanted it to be. They comforted me exactly when and how I needed them to. I knew that when Erik needed a reprieve then mom was there and when mom needed to step away Erik was there. But overall, they both did their best to stay with me as much as possible (unless of course the twins needed something). The twins were angels too. They wanted to help me but didn’t quite know how. Every now and then their sweet hands would appear on me and totally melt my heart. I wanted to bad to love on them and tell them how special they were to me. I wanted them to understand that even though the baby was coming and mommy was in a lot of pain right now, it would be worth it in the end. And I wanted to reassure them how much they meant to me. They made me a mommy first and that is irreplaceable. I couldn’t say anything to them. But there is so much truth in the 6^th sense our kids have. Deep down, they just knew. As I went through post partum (and continue to go through it) there are days that I just want to be angry. I have cried more than I did after birthing the twins and more than I can ever remember crying in a long time. I’ve questioned God more than I’d like to admit. I know there is a lesson in all of this but I truly haven’t grasped it yet. I know that God gave me more than I could handle so I would look to Him and rely on Him and trust in Him. I needed to truly surrender everything to Jesus. I think I did to the best of my ability but there is always room for improvement. I am grateful to God that He got my boy here safe and healthy even if it wasn’t the way I wanted. My heart reminds me constantly that even on the worst days I am still lucky and still blessed. But my selfish spirit is still so hurt and frustrated. I spent so much time, money and energy to create this experience for my entire family and did what I truly felt was in the best interest of Ezekiel and myself. And I still didn’t get the experience and outcome I so desired. I survived it and so did Ezekiel. I’m grateful. But I’m not sure it will ever truly be okay. I’m still angry. I’m still so disappointed. I still feel like I failed no matter what anyone says. I don’t feel like the warrior mom everyone says I am. I feel like I got close enough to see and smell but wasn’t allowed to touch. It just sucks. And unfortunately human nature compares. And I’m not going to pretend that I don’t hear other birth stories and see babies be born so simply, quickly, naturally and I just want to cry all over again. I want to scream. My prayer all along was “if this is not meant to be, please make it clear. Please close a door.” And He never did. It’s so frustrating to me knowing that God knew I’d end up on the operating table. Why couldn’t He just close the door from the get go and let me just mentally prepare for the operation?!? I’ve been asked multiple times by multiple people how I feel about all of it. I’ve been told multiple times by multiple people that I still succeeded and my baby and I are both healthy and that’s all that matters. I don’t know how I feel… but I do know, that’s not all that matters. A good friend of mine said to me  “A healthy baby and healthy mama are important… the MOST important. But healthy doesn’t stop at alive and physically well. You’re emotionally exhausted and hurt. It’s important for you to be healthy in EVERY aspect.” I know I am still struggling with the birth experience emotionally, more than I want to admit. And Ezekiel has had a rough two months so far, so it hasn’t helped me to heal. In fact, it makes me wonder if the trauma of 29 hours of labor hurt him more than I realize, more than it hurt me. This has been the toughest journey so far in my life. I am grateful though that I did labor and prove my body can labor and dilate. I just desperately wish we could’ve seen it through to the end. It’s like building a puzzle and missing the key piece. I so desperately wanted the twins to become big brothers in the comfort of their home and enjoy those first precious moments as a family in an intimate way that only a home birth can offer. I worked so hard for the birth I wanted and I lost that. Leaving the boys behind when heading to the hospital was one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life. It was equally as hard for me to leave my mom. I always grew up wanting to be a mom and wanting my mom to be there when my baby(ies) were born. While she was in town and saw the twins and Ezekiel all shortly after their births, she wasn’t in the room for those first raw emotions with any of them and it’s a huge thing that kills me. I feel like it’s a grandma right that I have yet to be able to bless her with. I know a lot of my frustration and disappointment is self-inflicted. I know I created too many expectations. A lot of my posts or in person conversations seem to spin in circles. But that is truly how I think and feel. I’m trusting God to provide the emotional healing with time, just as He provides the physical. Some days it doesn’t phase me at all and some days I want to cry all day and I want to be really angry about it. Most days, I’m trying to love my new baby and my big boys and just be grateful, in the midst of the pain, exhaustion and chaos for the blessings that God bestows that I definitely do not deserve.

Pregnancy #2: Birth Story Part 2

DECIDING TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL

In the process of deciding to go to the hospital, Miriam told me we could go to Jackson South or North Shore Medical Center. I’d met with Dr. Spence during the pregnancy and I knew if Miriam couldn’t deliver Ezekiel, I wanted Dr. Spence to do so. HOWEVER, I also knew that North Shore Medical Center wasn’t that close and Miami traffic is rarely good in either direction between 5:00pm and 7:00pm. Jackson South seemed more logical to me even though I knew nothing about any doctors there and/or the hospital itself. I just could NOT fathom driving all the way to North Shore the way I felt. I honestly wasn’t sure how we’d drive ANYWHERE. However, when we were standing waiting for the elevator something made me look at Miriam and say “tell me the truth, where do I need to be?” She told me she’d feel the most comfortable at North Shore. She knew Dr. Spence well and it was a good hospital. I knew she’d been keeping Dr. Spence up to speed during my whole labor and we knew for sure he was at the hospital. “Let’s do this, take me to North Shore.

By the time we left for the hospital, I had been in labor for 24 hours. I was dilated to 9 centimeters and I was frustrated we had to go to the hospital at this point and heartbroken to leave my mom and the boys behind. Bless Elijah’s heart, I knew he’d cry. He’s so emotional and I’m sure it has to be weird to watch everything happening and then mom and dad are swiftly gone and you still haven’t seen that baby you were promised. Poor kid.

LABOR & DELIVERY

At this point, I’m in a room and praise God, he blessed me with the sweetest nurse EVER. Hereen worked for Dr. Spence but also recently had a VBAC with him. She was kind and reassuring and told me I was in the best hands. She continued to explain that Dr. Spence would give me the best chances of having a VBAC and just because I was in the hospital, my idea of vaginal birth wasn’t guaranteed to be over. I met Sara, Dr. Spence’s midwife. She came in and told me they were going to break my water to give Ezekiel more space and help him descend. She said they’d give me an hour and we’d see what happened. I also decided to go ahead and have an epidural. The back labor was so intense and if we did need a csection that part would be ready. Erik, Miriam and Melissa were in the room with me. Sara (my doula) and Stefanie were in the waiting room. Eventually Erik went and found Sara and got her in too. Technically that’s too many people but Hereen said if we didn’t cause a ruckus she’d look the other way. First they broke my water. I remember being afraid and wishing they would give me the epidural first and then break my water. It didn’t hurt persay… it was uncomfortable but the amount of pressure that released was incredible and then I felt like I peed the bed! HA! After that they changed the padding under me and then the anesthesiologist came in to administer my epidural. I was so afraid. My spinal with the twins was a nightmare and I kept voicing to him what I went through and how afraid I was. He reassured me that he wouldn’t let that happen to me. However, he was a vocal one and also told me based on what I was going through and what he was hearing I’d most likely end up with a repeat cesarean. After the epi was in, it was night and day. I didn’t even know I was in labor anymore. I talked through every contraction. I had spent the last 24 hours with super short word sentences like “WATER!” and “MY BACK!” I didn’t want to talk at all. I was in my zone and I wanted that baby out. Now it was like social hour. That’s one of the biggest things Erik remembers. Hereen told me to try and rest and they’d check on me at 10pm and then they extended it to 11pm. Poor Erik was so exhausted. He tried to find some coffee with no luck. He was sitting on the floor and couldn’t even keep his eyes open. Same with Sara. The three of us had been going strong for over 24 hours already. By 11pm when Hereen checked me, I was still 9 centimeters and Ezekiel was still stuck. I knew what that meant and she called Dr. Spence and confirmed that all the options that were safe for me had been done and it was time to go to the operating room. I cried. I remember thinking that I would never be able to birth a baby the way our bodies were meant to and the main thing I wanted to experience I had lost. I felt like I failed. I was so tired I didn’t care anymore. I wanted to keep fighting but I didn’t know how and everyone I trusted told me this was the best option for me and my boy. I wanted to scream that they just didn’t know what I’d been through and repeating that was not the best option. I couldn’t do anything but hold Erik and hug Erik and cry. When I relaxed I discussed with Hereen that I still wanted my placenta released to Sara. They agreed and I signed the forms. I also told her I wanted as much immediate contact with Ezekiel that was possible and safe and I didn’t want him to have a bath (seriously do you know how good vernix is for the baby?!?). And Miriam requested the double stitch my uterus this time. Miriam also asked to go into the operating room with us. This is RARE but because she knows Dr. Spence so well he was willing to look the other way for her. The anesthesiologist came back in. Hereen gave Miriam and Erik their clothing for the operating room and took them to another waiting area and the anesthesiologist took me to the operating room.

THE OPERATING ROOM

Being wheeled into the operating room was one of my worst nightmares. I was terrified of the surgery experience. It felt so cold and impersonal. I was deep down terrified to feel anything during the surgery and I kept telling him that. I also told him anesthesia tends to make me nauseous even though I rarely throw up.  He told me he’d make sure I didn’t feel anything and if I needed to throw up it would be okay. When he pushed more meds my whole body got cold and tingly but I knew that I was covered to not feel anything. Hereen came in the operating room too. They worked to prep me and everything needed. Dr. Spence came in and so did Erik and Miriam. I just wanted to see my baby boy. I just wanted to be on the other side of all this already. I remember the smell of burnt skin. I remember Ezekiel crying and hearing someone call “23:49” and then they cut the big blue paper that covers us from seeing the operation and they slipped my slimy, freshly born boy through the paper and put him on my chest and in my arms. 

I couldn’t really snuggle him in the position I was in but that immediate contact was made and I was happy. He knew his momma and I saw my dark haired (lots of hair compared to the twins) BIG BOY! I remember thinking “please don’t let this kid be ten pounds!” They took him from me and cleaned him up a bit and weighed him in. 9 lbs 6 oz & 20 ¼ inches long. Miriam and Erik got to see him and Erik got to hold him. 

After that, the nurse brought him back to me and latched him on!!! What an incredible and AMAZING moment. She held my baby and put him on my breast and let him feed while they closed my incision. It was beautiful! I later found out that he was born with his chord around his neck… so obviously God was in control of the road to our repeat cesarean but it didn't make it any easier for me to process and accept it.

When all was said and done, we said our good byes to Miriam and they took the baby to the nursery and Erik and I went to recovery. 

RECOVERY

In recovery I was still a little out of it but mostly just exhausted. Erik stayed with me 90% of the time but he did go say goodbye to our team.

(pictured above left to right: Melissa, Erik, Sara & Miriam - behind the camera: Stefanie)
and check on our boy. My brain wanted to over think everything. I wanted to cry. I was so happy to have my boy with us but I was so very upset that I had a surgery once again. I desperately wanted to avoid that. I know what everyone kept telling me “healthy mommy, healthy baby, that’s all that matters” was true, but I still couldn’t help by feel like I wasn’t able to have a real birth experience and I wasn’t able to offer Erik that incredible experience and I wasn’t able to offer any of my boys the benefits for them of vaginal birth. When all was said and done - I'd labored for 29 hours, dilated to 9 centimeters and still ended up with a repeat cesarean. I was just sad and disappointed. It was so hard for me to be happy, proud and grateful. I have no idea what time it was that we got into a room but it was seconds after that when I heard a crying baby coming towards us and the nurse saying “someone’s hungry mommy.” I was so nervous… I wanted to breastfeed this boy but it was so bad with the twins. Would I really be able to do this? But he latched on and fed, and went to sleep in my arms and I was just so grateful that it wasn’t a struggle. I needed a break! I felt the worst for Erik though. He was beyond exhausted and still had yet to really sleep. And he didn’t exactly have the most comfortable place to sleep in the hospital. But he never fails me. He is such an incredible partner and I can’t imagine doing life with anyone else. Every time that sweet baby cried he was up and getting him out of the bassinet for me. And every dirty diaper he changed. And every time I needed water he got it for me. The list is long for the support he provided and continues to provide for me!

UP NEXT

We’ll see the boys’ first visit to their baby as well as the rest of the hospital experience and bringing baby home!

Pregnancy #2: Birth Story Part 1

INTRODUCING EZEKIEL

This weekend marks two months ago that Ezekiel Erick Esparza joined our family. It has been such a crazy journey and a loonnnggg 8 ½ weeks that I haven’t had any time to write about any of what we went through (& are continuing to go through). Ezekiel joined our family at 11:49pm on August 19^th, 2015 weighing a whopping 9 pounds 6 ounces and was 20 ¼ inches long. And he looks just like his daddy! It was love at first sight but it was a tough journey to hold my baby.

THE ROAD TO LABOR

Up until I went into labor, we knew that we didn’t want to force him to come out with unnatural means but the shorter length of stay, the safer it could be for us. There was no doubt he was already a big baby and the less uterine pressure, the better. So we continued swimming, chiropractic care, taking the natural pellets my midwife provided to me and upping my intake of VBAC tea. I also started evening primrose oil and my midwife checked my progress. There was some progress happening but more so, it was obvious that my body was working and preparing and it was exciting. I was having a lot of prodromal labor, which is essentially practice labor but unlike Braxton hicks, it is extremely hard to differentiate as it IS labor but doesn’t lead to a baby. It was exciting and frustrating at the same time! My mom finally decided to come on August 11^th. We weren’t sure when he was going to come, but I knew I was ready for her to be here as much as she was ready to get here. Once she was here we just continued the wait and anticipation and lots of prayers. I was an emotional roller coaster. It was great to have my mom here but everyday that labor didn’t kick into gear I felt like it was another day she lost bonding with Ezekiel. On Sunday, August 18^th, Miriam came to the house…. Progress was good enough that she suggested the next day I receive labor inducing acupuncture. After some research, we visited Dr. Litman in South Miami. I’d never had acupuncture before but it was an interesting experience. Erik came with me and she let him stay in the room with me. She ensured me that if the baby was ready to come, it would jump start labor within 24-48 hours. 

When we left I went home holding my breath for labor. But nothing happened. The next morning I was crushed. I didn’t want to be pregnant anymore but I didn’t want to rush my little guy either. Mom suggested we go walk Dadeland Mall…. I told them I’d go if we had Chick-Fil-A for lunch. Anything to get out of the house…so off we went. 

We walked the mall for close to an hour before stopping for lunch and then home to nap the twins and put my pregnant feet up. Later, I prepared dinner. After dinner I was tired and so mom and Erik took the twins to the patio so I could relax. I sat, bouncing on the birth ball, watching chopped. I was feeling contractions but was convinced they were just prodromal labor. But 15-20 minutes later something told me it was more than that (it was about 6:30pm at this time).

SHOW TIME

I sent a text to Sara and Miriam and they both told me to go for a walk, make sure I’m hydrated and reach out in an hour. So I got Erik and he and I went for a walk (with a bottle of water) while mom put the twins to bed. By the time we got back to the house, I knew it was show time. I told Miriam and Sara and they said to keep them posted and rest as much as I could. I was ready to go to bed, I was so tired. We all got ready for bed but as soon as my head hit the pillow, a contraction came and I knew I wouldn’t be sleeping. I’m not sure how it all happened but I remember eventually being in the shower and telling Erik to call Sara. The next thing I remember is him telling me she was on the way. I was moving around my room…. I wanted to lean on my dresser and bear my weight into it. That’s where I was the most comfortable. I’d also rest in my rocking chair between contractions. I tried a few more times to lay in the bed but it was just so uncomfortable and I couldn’t get up fast enough. I remember at one point sort of salsa dancing to relieve the pain/pressure and it worked – so I pretty much danced my way through labor. I don’t remember when Sara got there but she was an angel. She made my room somehow feel safe and intimate. She kept me hydrated and massaged me and just talked me through the experience. She also kept Miriam up to date so Erik and I could just focus on what was going on. At some point, Erik blew up the birth pool. At some point, Miriam did come…. Things happened so fast and I was in my own zone that I don’t remember what happened when. I know when I finally came out of my room in the morning, my dining room table looked like a doctor’s office and there was a pool in the middle of my house! I cannot even image what my sweet boys thought when they woke up. 

Eventually my labor turned into back labor and it was awful. Miriam showed “the team” how to push my hips in/together and to put pressure on my sacrum at the same time. It was all that worked and with EVERY contraction I’d say “MY BACK!!!” and whomever was closest, new what to do. Though 90% of the time I really preferred Erik. Miriam checked me and I was pretty far progressed. I think I was about 7 centimeters mid morning. I was impressed I had made it that far. I was convinced she was going to give me a much lower number and I’d throw in the towel. That was the inspiration I needed to keep going. I was all over – in and out of the shower, up and down from the rocking chair, in and out of the birth pool. The worst was when I had to lay down and get checked. The contractions were coming so hard and so fast and laying down was unbearable. 

Eventually Miriam realized Ezekiel wasn’t descending as they’d like so they started some natural ways of helping him. If he didn’t descend then his head wouldn’t put enough pressure to fully dilate. Everyone was trying to get me to eat and drink but I just couldn’t eat. Even the smell of the food in the house was making me sick. My boys were so good. I wanted to tell them how proud I was of them and how much I loved them…. But I couldn’t talk! They sensed it though and constantly came to check on me and rub my back and just love me however they could. 

Eventually Miriam told me that we may be in need of a hospital transfer. I was dilated to 9 centimeters but Ezekiel was stuck and she had tried everything to help him descend. We discussed breaking my water to see if it would help but didn’t feel that was the safest option. After about another hour, we decided to pack up and head to North Shore Medical Center. Mom got my hospital list and packed our bags with Erik. Miriam and Melissa (midwife in training) as well as Sara and Stephanie (photographer) all went and got their cars. I got dressed, said good bye to my confused boys and we headed out. Melissa drove with Miriam in the passenger seat and Erik and I in the back. Sara and Stephanie followed and met us there. Miriam called Dr. Spence to let him know we were on the way in (she’d been keeping him up to date on my progress all along). It was like a scene from the fast and the furious – Melissa drove up US1 to I95 and no red lights applied to us! Once on the highway she was a true Miami driver – in and out of lanes and even in the emergency lane. We got to the hospital in record time and pulled up to the ER and they met us with a wheelchair and took me up to labor and delivery…. To be continued in the hospital episode of this birth story! (Prayerfully not two more months from now!)