Life with Three Boys: Why I love MOPS

I love talking about MOPS. It's so funny when someone who has no idea what it is hears about it in conversation. They're so confused because your normal thought of a MOP is a housekeeping item. But the MOPS I speak of stands for Mothers of Preschoolers. (You can learn more about mops at mops.org and find a group near you) 

MOPS Celebrates Motherhood. MOPS meets you RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE AT in the season of life you're at. Whether you're expecting your first or fourth. If you've got a new baby and you're trying to balance feeding on demand, attempting to sleep and post partum hormones or if you've officially got preschoolers and that first day of school is creeping up on you. MOPS gives you a safe space to encourage you as a mom, woman and wife. MOPS builds lifetime friendships. MOPS loves your children too! 

The home page of MOPS.ORG says it the BEST!

Here at MOPS, we are on a mission to celebrate motherhood.

We build circles of women who love each other like family, because raising humans is beautiful and hard, and having each other to lean on is life-giving. That’s why we connect moms all over the world to a community of women, in their own cities, who meet together to laugh, cry and embrace the journey of being a mom.

This is motherhood, and together we can change the world in all the best ways.

I stepped into my first MOPS meeting in the fall of 2012 just before the twins first birthday. A sweet Facebook friend, Meagan Goepferich encouraged me to attend (while I have you're attention, she has her own blog you can follow: http://morethanahomeschoolmom.com) I was terrified to step into that room... to go to a church I'd never been to, to meet new people, to do this ALONE with the twins. I desperately wanted someone to hold my hand. God knew.... Lisa Grehn reached out to me and virtually held my hand. She messaged me on Facebook, introduced herself to me, gave me her cell number in case I got lost or needed help getting the boys out of the car. She met me that day in the parking lot and walked me to the nursery ensuring that the twins would be well loved while I got such a short break. Leigh Byers met me at the nursery and sensed my anxiety in leaving the boys. She ensured me that they'd be okay, and I knew they would... they had each other and that was truly all they cared about. She sent me a sweet picture of them having snacks together. It was the first time I got to have breakfast and hold a conversation without someone needing something in months. I was sold. I became a member of MOPS of Miami and never looked back. 

I'm on my 5th season with MOPS of Miami and it's been a huge joy. I've enjoyed two different seasons of leadership and look forward to continuing that next season. I'm currently in charge of the child care program and while it isn't always an easy job, it brings my heart so much joy and I truly love all the babies so much. 

MOPS of Miami hosts meetings twice a month on Thursday mornings during the school year only. There is childcare provided for children 6 months through preschool. Our meetings always have breakfast and HOT coffee (say what?!?) And each meeting the leadership team plans different events, activities and discussions. MOPS.org provides curriculum and our Discussion Group Team Leader and Coordinator carefully plan which videos we will use each season and how they'll be used. They're wonderful! A few seasons ago we had one about raising boys that was huge for me. This year, the most impactful for me so far, has been on anger. We watch these videos and break out in our small groups to have more intimate and meaningful discussions. We have a fabulous creative activity team who plans awesome crafts for us a few times a year. We also serve our community. We're involved in Operation Christmas Child every year. We've collected for Free the Girls, we've helped stock the pantry at the Florida Baptist Children's Homes and we've blessed expecting moms at Eve's Hope Pregnancy Crisis Center (to name a few). We have awesome speakers a few times a year as well. And today was our annual Tea & Testimony, where, like every year, my heart was moved. 

Two beautiful woman who I am honored to call my friends, shared their testimonies this morning. They opened their hearts to us and truly gave us new or restored hope in how big and amazing God is and how He will use each and every part of our stories. Today is the kind of meeting that leaves you in this high and I just wanted to take advantage of it and encourage you.

Recently I watched 13 Reasons Why on Netflix.... like so many have. I'm not going to go into the BOOK I could write about that. (Warning if you haven't watched it! Triggers are Rape, Suicide, Assault, Gun Violence and there is a LOT of foul language). I will however say that it is a reminder and eye opener on two big things.... 1) We don't know what's going on in someone else's lives no matter what they TELL you or how they act. 2) The old saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is a bunch of bull. WORDS HURT! Think before you speak. Point number 1 and point number 2 are tied hand in hand. If you have no idea what's going on in someone's life and mind and you cut them down with your words - you could make a tough situation that much worse. 

I'd like to encourage you today to lift each other up. Love each other. Go out of your way for others. Be generous, loving and kind. Proverbs 15:4 tells us "A soothing tongue is a tree of life, But perversion in it crushes the spirit." (NASB) So do you want to be a tree of life or do you want to crush spirits? What kind of life do you want to live?

MOPS is a tree of life for me. I get continuously lifted up at MOPS. I've gone into MOPS with potty trained twins before 2 feeling like a supermom. I've gone into MOPS with a baby who doesn't sleep, won't stop crying unless he's nursing and for that matter, won't stop nursing and I'm exhausted, defeated and not even sure if I showered. I've gone into MOPS as a childcare leader, loving on volunteers and children alike. I've gone into MOPS frustrated with my now Preschool twins and not quite sure how to meet them where there at. But I've been met where I'm at and excepted RIGHT WHERE I'M AT - in every season of my life. God gave me a safe space in MOPS. God allowed me to build life long friendships. Not just for me, but for my husband and my boys! Two of my dear MOPS friends Jenna & Nicole have graciously shared their families with mine. And my boys love both Nicole's boys (Marco & Jonas) and Jenna's boys (Bo & Titus) and Erik loves chatting with Mau and is enjoying getting to know Rob - he asked me to get a date set up with them for dinner soon! I love knowing that my family is building friendships with like minded families, who love the Lord and are willing to meet us in this season of our lives... crazy boys, messy house, sleep deprived but full of love and laughter. 

There are not enough words to express what MOPS has meant to me. I'd be crazy if I didn't give some credit to that same dear friend, Nicole Avesani. Six years ago she started MOPS of Miami from the ground up. Since then MOPS of Homestead, MOPS of Cutler Bay, MOPS of Palmetto Bay and MOPS of Miami Springs have formed. I am so proud of all she's done. I'm so grateful for how she's helped me grow. I'm so grateful for MOPS, for her answer to God's call.... for her friendship. MOPS is my lifeline... as a mother, woman, wife and friend. I encourage you, if you are a mom with preschool (or younger) aged children to seek a group in your area. If you're in Miami, I'd love  you to visit with us (or will gladly introduce you to the leaders of the other mentioned groups). 

Today, after my tea and testimony "high" I'm grateful to God for letting me serve in this ministry with some of the most amazing women who I can proudly call my friends. Thank you Lord for blessing my life with MOPS!

(This beautiful group of woman is my small group this year... 2016-2017... 

Left to Right: Susie, Sarah, Me, Kristy, Kristie, Philippa, Erin & Sasha)

Life with Three Boys: Why I wear Ezekiel

Baby wearing is a topic of conversation daily. Because it has literally become my life. Let me tell you something about the past I wish I could change. I wish I knew what I know now about baby wearing when the twins were born. And I am no expert. In the last 4 months at least a dozen people have become better educated about baby wearing and have become the owner of either their first baby wearing item or something BETTER for them to use. Let me state that one carrier is not necessarily better than others. The biggest priority is knowing EXACTLY how to properly use them. And that's usually tons and TONS of youtube videos and preferably an in person meet up. I had the pleasure of hosting one of those recently for MOPS with the help of my good friend Valerie who was the first to lend me a woven wrap and teach me how to properly use it. She truly steered me into the baby wearing world and I hope to continuously pass that along. 

Officially I own 2 Ergos, 3 Lillebabies, 2 Standard Tulas, 1 Toddler Tula, 3 Woven Wraps (1 size 6 and 2 size 5 each one a different brand), a Baby k'tan, a DIY Ring Sling, an infantino unison and an infantino mei tai. I'm sure I have more that I don't even know. Why??? Because it is my EXTREME desire to pass on the gift of baby wearing to anyone who in interested! 1 Ergo is lent to a friend at church, 1 lillebaby permanently lives in Orlando with one of my best friends until God tells her that her baby wearing days are over, 1 lillebaby was just returned to me yesterday and 1 woven wrap is currently lent out as well. God has placed on my heart to be a personal lending library starting with MOPS and branching out within my church and close friends and family. 

Baby wearing isn't for everyone and I will never EVER force anyone to baby wear. But I will help educate, allow you to try on anything I own and guide you in proper use for anyone reading this or any of your friends, any time. I'm happy to lend you any of my carriers too (if it's possible!) Everyone's bodies are built differently. So while I favor our Tula now, I didn't always. And I know friends who 100% prefer their Ergo, Kinderpack or Lillebaby. #wearallthebabies In whatever you choose to wear. It's not a one size fits all kind of thing.

Baby wearing has changed my life. And even when it's just Ezekiel and I running errands, 90% of the time, I still wear him versus tossing him in the stroller. Why you ask? To me this is just like asking why I am still breastfeeding. Yes he is 20 months TODAY (geez we're SO CLOSE to 2!), yes he can walk, yes he can sit in a cart. But he'll only be a baby, toddler, mommas boy for so long. Wearing him allows so many things, so let me share just SOME of the list with you:

1. I can control and contain him

2. He behaves better because he's exactly where he wants to be, with momma

3. If he gets tired, he just lays his head down and passes out

4. He can see everything and I can share in his reactions to the world around him

5. Who wants to deal with a stroller while they're shopping? Carts are bad enough.... God forbid both!

6. He doesn't like to cuddle at home much so this time together is special and oh so short

7. I don't want to pass him around. I know he's not an infant anymore (this was much higher priority in those days) but most of the time I just want people to say hi to us and get about our day/business

8. I don't want strangers touching him. And they're so much less likely to randomly touch my child (spreading their germs or freaking him out) when I'm wearing him

I could go on and on. I wear him because life is short. He'll have so many more days of his life that I cannot wear him anymore. So I wear him now and take him on my journeys with me because he is still small enough to do so. I throw him on my back and I can receive endless hugs and kisses. I strap him to my chest and he can nurse himself to sleep. I wear him because then we are together. He started his life sharing my body. That is where he is safest. Why shouldn't I honor that?

And truthfully, I've worn the twins. They still fit EASILY in the toddler tula and every now and then they want snuggles too. I've haven't done it outside of the house but I would if I needed to. Just recently we went to Silver Springs and Ezekiel was down running around with Erik and my sweet niece, Eriana, was getting tired and wanted to be held so I tossed her in Zeek's standard Tula. It was a bit small, I wish I would've had the toddler. But it did the job. She got to hang out on my back for over 30 minutes and she was in heaven. A few days ago BOTH the twins wanted to be worn. They were really just being silly to see if I could and would. I'm not going to turn down that challenge or those snuggles. So Ephraim got on my back in the toddler and Elijah got put on the front in the standard and Ezekiel cried! HAHA! I got to be silly with my twins and I was a cool mom again! 

Just like I don't wear the twins daily, but will if I need to, the days are coming where that will be Ezekiel's story. I'm going to savor these days that he's really fussy and a quick super man toss up and he's not crying anymore. I'm going to treasure his sweet toddler voice saying "up mommy" for as long as I can. 

I baby wear because it's a PIVOTAL part of my relationship with my youngest son right now. It grounds us both. It's a safe place for both of us. There will be a day that the swaying and humming and fake sign language I do so that he doesn't wake while I wear him, will be over. But just for today, I'm enjoying this season in our life and I'm enjoying baby wearing. I find so much joy in it. And I would love to guide you and help you find that joy too. And if it's not your thing, I'm not judging you, but I'll wear your baby too if you need a break ;) 

HAPPY BABY WEARING MY FRIENDS!

(& seriously, don't hesitate to comment here, text or PM me anytime with anything baby wearing related!)

(Ezekiel and I on Easter Sunday walking into Cheesecake Factory! The sleepy dust was REAL!)

(The twins and I playing around! Elijah on the front in a Standard Tula, Ephraim on the back in a Toddler Tula)

Disclaimer: I read this blog post and it inspired me to write this one!

http://girlofcardigan.com/why-i-wear-my-daughter-because-you-asked/ 

Life with Three Boys: Happy New Year

I remember after I announced I was pregnant with Ezekiel the number one thing people loved to ask me was "are you sure there's just one in there?!" I understood their curiosity but it was frankly, annoying. This always followed a conversation of how much easier it's going to be for me to have just one baby this time....

Ezekiel has single handedly broken me. Erik and I always wanted four kids and I now hesitate about the possibility of that 4th. Let me be clear. I love Ezekiel with my entire heart. I love all three of my sons equally and yet so differently, to meet their individual needs. I love being a mother. But Ezekiel has been an incredible challenge and I do not feel ready to tackle anything deep, especially a new addition. After all, my sweet boy is just a toddler who still needs his mommy's attention.

Ezekiel is a mommas boy. He has a serious case of mamitis. Sometimes I want to scream at him to give me a freakin' break already and sometimes I just want to soak it up. It's been a challenge with him from the beginning. I really wanted a VBAC. With every fiber of my body I wanted one, but it wasn't in the cards for us. I do not regret my decision. I empowered myself. I educated myself. I made life long friends in my birth team. And when the time came, I made the best decision for my son and I trusted my team. But I do believe that all the trauma of hours of labor, being stuck on my sacrum for quite some time and then a cesarean anyways, truly affected Zeek from the beginning. 

Zeek and I have been through so much together in such a short time. Laboring at home for over 24 hours, a csection, trying to create a successful breastfeeding relationship that dealt with getting tongue tie and lip tie corrected (twice for the tongue since I made the HUGE mistake of not seeing a preferred provider the first time), learning to baby wear, never taking a bottle (okay, for maybe a month but not like REALLY taking a bottle), hating the car, not taking naps, hating the crib, co sleeping, trying to create a schedule to just mess it up and then create a new one, illnesses (I was deathly sick and STILL nursing this child), traveling by car and plane, learning to enjoy our time together alone, serious separation anxiety, chronic fluid in his ears, becoming chronic ear infections, leading to tubes next month. I could go on and on. 

But this sweet little boy of mine has literally forever changed my life. He's given me a passion for new mommies (and I'm not talking moms with their first kid, I"m talking moms with new babies weather it's #1 or #9!). He's made me rethink my days sometimes and has allowed me many opportunities to be selfless even when that was the last thing I wanted to do. He's shown me what the saying "He'll eat you out of house and home" is really about.... this kid can EAT and he's STILL nursing too!!

I don't like to sugar coat things.... I like to lay it out. And there's only so much I can lay out here. But I will talk to any one about most anything. Post Partum Depression is real and it's AWFUL! Iron deficiency anemia, pregnant or otherwise, is a TOUGH battle. Making medical decisions for yourself and/or your children.... how? I still regret not doing better research for Ezekiel with his tongue and lip ties and not seeking a preferred provider, etc. Wishing you could change your name to something other than "mom" or better yet, wishing just for awhile you had a "real job" outside of the house! Trying to figure out how to balance self care, catering to the children and being a proper wife and housekeeper. Motherhood is NOT for the weak at heart but even on my WORST days, I love my "job" and it is a HARD job and a truly important one.

Erik and I are working on growing and changing our family. We're trying to get on a better path spiritually and mentally and we're trying to train our boys with more positive perspectives. Pray for us on this journey. Whenever you make a mindset to make change for the good, the demons will always be in your path. But God is so much bigger and we are ready!

The twins are doing so well in school. They love school so much. They're both learning to read and they sometimes completely blow me away. They're also playing Upward Basketball this Spring. Today was their first official game and my sweet Elijah scored the first basket of the game. It was awesome and even he couldn't believe it! We're also in the process of, hopefully, final allergy testing with them. They did all the skin tests and all the things we were worries about checked out negative. However, she's asking Elijah to do a detailed test of blood work to be safe before reintroducing foods. So we're hoping to get that done soon and go from there.

Remember that job Erik was working that we were looking forward to "the end" of it in November? Well.....they offered him a full time job we couldn't resist. So our lives took a big shift. He's still doing photography but much more exclusive now and is gone everyday, working out of the home. I know that's a norm in most households but something insane for me to adjust to after having him around all the time! God is good and really does work in mysterious ways though. And this is definitely a good move for our family.

Speaking of move.... Lord willing we're going to move this summer. Not too far - possibly into Broward to be slightly closer to the offices for Erik, but I know God will guide us where he wants us. Regardless it'll be a house or townhouse with some sort of back yard for the boys which will be HUGE for us AND for them. And, God willing, we'll have better space to accommodate family when they visit.... so when mom and dad come next month, it will be the last time the visit us in our apartment! (Well, at least together since dad doesn't come to Miami much!)

Lots of things are happening for us and I love seeing God working. Ezekiel is getting tubes in his ears next month and hopefully Elijah will complete all this allergy testing. I've also got some health issues going on and may end up needing iron infusions again. Please keep those things in your prayers. It's never easy to care for ourselves when we have little ones to prioritize! I'm sure I've missed a lot since little killer turned one, but clearly it's harder and harder to blog as he gets more active. And lets be honest, I've never been consistent but at least there's SOME documentation of life! Until next time.... here's a cute Valentine for you taken by my friend, Jessica Vilchez (www.jessicavilchezphotography.com)

Life with Three Boys: One Year In & a Little Encouragement

Two weeks ago, my little gerber turned a year old. I haven't felt sad. I've felt relieved and overjoyed. I cannot believe we survived. There were times I didn't think we would and there were times, quite frankly, I didn't want to. But I serve a BIG God and I prayed over him and over our relationship multiple times and I am seeing some of God's grace and mercy. He is now taking a bottle and I don't care if he keeps it until he's 5! Don't get me wrong, he's still breastfeeding for nourishment but where my breast used to be the ONLY thing that soothes him, if it's not time to feed or he's not completely inconsolable I can give him 2 ounces of coconut milk and hold him off for awhile and that is HUGE! He is now walking. Yes, that means he's into EVERYTHING! He loves nothing more than playing in the toilet, the garbage can and under Papi's desk but whatever, at least he isn't crying. He's COMPLETELY OBSESSED with Mickey and his big brother's got him a Mickey Mouse for his birthday that has helped him go to sleep without crying (why didn't we do this MONTHS ago?!?). He's saying a few words but he TOTALLY understands EVERYTHING! He nods his head yes or no when you ask him questions! He eats EVERYTHING and just loves nothing more than animal crackers, avocados and spaghetti. Big brothers are back in school. PreK-4 this year and they are gone for 5 hours a day. They're having a hard time adjusting but I love this time with Zeek and him and I are slowly finding our routine. He's cutting one year molars and has had a little cold this week but he's been a trooper. He even napped 1.5 hours on the couch yesterday which never EVER happens! 

The twins are completely obsessed with space. The facts that they have learned watching youtube videos amazes me. So we've now challenged them to learn all the states and their capitals. They get a dollar if they know all the states and another dollar if they know all the capitals. But so far, they prefer to keep their planet videos on repeat. Whatever, it's educational! HAHA! They're having a little anxiety with school this year. It's hard for me - they're in the same school, same teacher, even a few of the same classmates but just more time. But they are struggling. They like it while they're there but they have a hard time WANTING to go. It's only two weeks in. They miss some of their friends from last year who have moved on to kindergarten. But, they'll get over it! We set up a play date tomorrow with one of their best buddies from last year so hopefully that will help a bit.

I have stepped into leadership at MOPS again this year as the MOPPET Coordinator. That is basically the person who handles all the organization for the childcare and fills in if a volunteer cannot be there. It's not an easy task but God has been calling me there for a few years and I've been running and hiding from that calling. Last year was such a hard year with Ezekiel and he NEVER wanted to leave me and I didn't want to go to MOPS even though I NEEDED it because I felt so bad about what I was dealing with where he was concerned. I was frustrated and embarrassed that it was "my kid." But from the darkness God brings light and he's give me such compassion for moms with kids that just think their mommy is the BEST mommy in the world and cannot be without them. We live in such a judging world. When a kid is screaming everyone thinks "what did that mom do to her kid now?" Instead of taking a minute to pray for that mom. You don't know her struggles, her sleep deprivation and most likely her desperate desire to soothe her child. Just lift her up. This year, I stepped bravely into this role because I want all the moms at MOPS of Miami to enjoy the meeting and get the most out of it that they can in two hours so they can feel refreshed and rejuvenated and be encouraged as a mom and as a wife. If their baby is loosing it in childcare, they can't relax! I hope to have 40 best friends who trust me to check on their babies and let them know they're okay so they can get a recharge. And God has blessed me in return. As long as he doesn't see me, Zeek is finally going to child care and playing and not completely loosing it. THANK YOU LORD!

Erik is still working on this big project in North Miami. He's gone 12 hours a day and it's been a huge adjustment for all of us. We're all looking forward to the end of it, sometime around November. In the meantime, I pray for him daily and I'd be grateful too if you'd lift him up. He's got a lot on his plate and I know he's trying to find the balance and keep God at the center of all of it. We all know that can be such a struggle when we're a little overwhelmed.

Speaking of God, Cira started the bible study "A Woman after God's Own Heart" with some of us and we never really got to get deep into it much less finish it. So I've challenged myself to go through it alone. It's been a struggle but God has since blessed me with Zeek waking between 5/5:30am each day and while I'm so tired, I realize He's just training me to start my day right and I'm able to do my study and pray while Zeek watches Mickey. God is good all the time. And this study is convicting me and challenging me in all areas of my life. So much change to make but as long as I keep HIM above all others, I know that there will be a positive outcome. 

Guys, having three sons isn't for the weak. God has such a funny sense of humor. I grew up three girls. We grew up with princesses and barbie dolls and dress up. I didn't want to wear shoes if they didn't click when I walked or dresses if they didn't fan out when I spinned. I don't have the first clue about wrestling and ninja turtles and eating us out of house and home and all the things I face. But by the grace and mercy of God, I am learning and I have three little JOYS! It was such a tough first year with Ezekiel. And the twins are entering a challenging time too as they transition with school this year and as Erik has been gone more. I have no idea what the future holds. I know that it won't always be easy but I know that God has called me in this season of life to be a wife and a mom and he has and will continue to equip me. Praying has been a struggle for me my whole life but I have challenged myself to grow in that area. And I am praying over EVERYTHING. Even cleaning my house! (Y'all seriously I HATE house cleaning and I'm TERRIBLE at it but...) I was able to get some housework done yesterday and even though it didn't last long, I know I accomplished it and I know it'll get easier with time. 

"The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands." Proverbs 14:1

What are you doing today to build your home? If nothing else, I encourage you to pray over it. Pray over your family, your home, the roof that protects you, the meals you serve at your table. Pray over it all. Nothing is meaningless to God.

Life with Three Boys: A Little Look Back

I blogging again because hubs is at work and all the kiddos are miraculously asleep (for now). I wrote a bunch of notes back in OCTOBER when Zeek was 2 months old about some things I'd like to eventually blog about and I never did. So I'm going to hit a few things here - they'll be random and not necessarily cohesive. But, they'll be out there and "off my list."

Sara, my doula, was phenomenal. I cannot say enough fabulous things about her. I honestly think everyone should invest in a doula for their birth no matter what type of birth they plan to have. The same day we came home from the hospital, Sara came over. Part of my "package" with her was placenta encapsulation. She had already been to the hospital to pick up my placenta and had already made the transformation. So she brought me my pills and also gifted me a tincture and a salve made of herbs and coconut oil to help the healing of my scar and my nipples as they adjusted to breastfeeding. She talked with me about how to use it all and how I was feeling emotionally and physically. The twins had made a birthday cake for Ezekiel and so she celebrated with us as we sung to him and had some yummy, kid baked cake! A week later, both herself and Geri came together. Geri wasn't able to be at the birth, since she was traveling. They both came to check on me and the baby. At this point Ezekiel hadn't taken a bottle even though I had tried. They brought me some different bottles to try. I was also struggling with positioning him while breastfeeding and it not putting pressure on my incision so they spent time helping me position him, watching him latch and teaching me some helpful pumping techniques. They were here for awhile and I remember thinking it was so good to have not only adult interaction but also female adult interaction and other moms who have been there, done that and know that I'm exhausted and it's okay for me to feel that way. Before they left, I had Erik take a photo of the three of us and Ezekiel all together. It's a very special photo I will hold dear to my heart and will definitely be in his baby book! They also made sure I know that our time together wasn't just business and I now had knew friends and could still call them if I found myself struggling. And Sara and I have talked a few times over the past 8 months. She is so very valuable to me! God was so good when he put her in my path!

I also want to talk about the moment the boys met Ezekiel. The hardest part of loosing my home birth was not experiencing that moment with the twins. I was so sad and I had to wait so much longer for them to come up to the hospital with my mom and in laws. I was in so much pain when we left the house. I didn't get to say proper good byes and I know they were totally confused and they were weighing heavily on my heart. Of course when they saw me, I was exhausted and hurting from my operation. Ezekiel was in my arms when they came into the room and there still are no words for the looks on their faces. Awe, joy, love, excitement, bliss. This baby that they had waited so long was here. He was real. He was theirs. They couldn't believe it! He was sleeping and Elijah immediately turned around and said "shhhh my baby is asleep!" Erik caught him shushing everyone on camera and it's still one of my favorite images! After we were home, Sunday night I was getting everything ready for the boys first day of school and when I moved some boxes in their closet I discovered they had peed in there. I couldn't even be upset. Their bathroom was used during our expected home birth for everyone that was here since I was in and out of the shower in my bathroom. Plus their shower was connected to fill and drain the birthing pool. There was so much going on that at some point, I suspect after we left and my mom and the other midwife were trying to clean and reorganize that they just disappeared and relieved themselves in their room, the only space they felt safe in that moment. It broke my heart. I was so sad to discover this and worse when I realized that they were afraid to get in trouble for it. I had to reassure them that they weren't in trouble and we were so sorry if we made them feel scared or overwhelmed in their own home. It was super tough for all of us. We really wanted this baby in our home and never to be separated. Every time they came to visit us, Elijah would take Erik's sticker with his picture from the hospital home and cry about how much he missed his daddy. Mom said he even slept with that sticker. It totally broke our hearts. We know everything happens for a reason and God knows what He is doing but that was a really hard pill to swallow. 

North Shore Medical Center is phenomenal. I cannot say enough about Dr. Spence. After all we'd been through at home he still recognized that I wanted a VBAC desperately and we were not currently in danger. I needed to take an epic in case we needed to operate but they still broke my water and allowed me to labor for 3 more hours before deciding a repeat csection would be necessary. The nurse Hereen who was caring for me told me that she VBAC'd with Dr. Spence and I was in really good hands. She talked me through a lot of things and she was awesome. When they told me I'd be going to the operating room all I could do was cry. She just hugged me and told me it would be okay. And I asked if she'd come in the operating room and she said she'd be there. Later she came to see me and we got a picture of her holding Ezekiel. That was so awesome for me. The only negative thing that I experienced there - I was in a lot of pain from the csection and needing to stay on top of the medicines. At one point they switched me from percocet to tylenol 3 and it was way too soon. I was no where near ready and I was sure I was dying!!! And when I was leaving, they discharged me before giving me more medication so legally they couldn't. By the time we got meds from the pharmacy I was sobbing I was in so much pain! After surgery I always have a hard time communicating to my body to urinate again. With the twins I had to be re-catheterized 3 times. At North Shore they fought me. I had to urinate so bad I was in pain. I could feel it. I thought my bladder would burst. But they fought me hard with every trick in the book until FINALLY I could use the restroom on my own. It was HUGE to not be dependent on the catheter so quickly. Made a night and day difference for me. Seriously, the staff was incredible. Some of them, who had ben my nurse the first day, came back the last day either as my nurse again or in another room/area and they still went out of their way to come see how Ezekiel and I were doing!

As most babies do, Ezekiel went through his first cluster feed while we were in the hospital. I couldn't take it. I wanted to give him a bottle and a paci so badly but my guilty conscious wouldn't let me. Finally I gave in and called a nurse and absolutely begged for a paci. He didn't want it at first but then he sort of took it. He used it a few times here and there but it was just never what he wanted. Even at home, I kept fighting him to take it. When we finally had him considering it, I realized it had these bumps on it and they were causing a rash around his mouth so we started fighting with others. I spent like $40 on pacifiers because I was so desperate and to this day, at 8.5 months old, he doesn't take a pacifier. He has a giraffe wubbanub that has become his lovey. He sleeps with that thing and just LOVES it. He'll chew on it, especially when he's teething but he WILL NOT suck that thing to save his life. LOL Same with bottles. The kids has taken a bottle MAYBE three times in 8.5 months and each time it was like 1 ounce - just enough to hold him over. He stayed with DeAna one day while Erik and I worked. She had him for like 12 hours and aside from eating one breastmilk popsicle I left, he didn't eat for her. Seriously, he's so stubborn. I did try to give him a bottle of formula like 2-3 times. I was EXHAUSTED! He cried so much all the time and just wanted to be latched so much I was convinced I couldn't do it. I cleaned my diet of all dairy for 6 weeks and then we had him tested for MSPI and it was negative. Here we are, 8.5 months later, still breastfeeding. That's a God thing! I wanted to have some sort of BFing relationship with him. I remember saying I'd be grateful for everyday I got but I wouldn't set a goal longer than 6 months. The first time we met the pedi I told her I'm taking it one day at a time but I'll be happy to BF him until he turns one. Now, I tell Erik all the time, I can see him being one of those kids that at 2 or 3 years old we're struggling to wean! God knows what he's doing so as I trust Him with everything else, I continue to trust him with the nourishment of my son!

Tongue & Lip Tie: At one of our follow ups with Miriam, we were discussing breastfeeding and she was evaluating Ezekiel and she said "I can't be sure but he looks like he might be tongue tied. Not sure about lip tie, but definitely follow up with your pediatrician." So in we went to see the pediatrician. She confirmed he was tongue tied and sent us to a pediatric surgeon. I went to see him and he talked us through a few things and one thing he said was that it doesn't affect breastfeeding so he can't guarantee it'll help us but he can release the tongue tie. The lip tie isn't necessary. Sooooo, Erik, being amazing, stayed in the room and helped hold down our sweet 1.5 month old baby while he got his tongue cauterized. A little less than a week later things weren't any better and I had a lactation consultant come to the house. Pam DiBosco is AMAZING and worth EVERY SINGLE PENNY! When she looked at Ezekiel she said that if the dr released his tongue tie she would've hated to see it before, that there was no way it was released. She also said his lip tie needed to be released to create a proper seal. She sent us to a plastic surgeon in Hollywood. We had to do the tongue again and this time he bled a lot because of the back to back procedures. He also released his lip tie. It was sooooo tough, we all cried. We gave little man tylenol but he cried the entire journey home. The stretches and exercises we had to do weren't any better either but the kid cried so much all the time anyways. I truly believe that this was what saved our breastfeeding relationship and is the reason we still successfully breastfeed today. Pam also told me both the twins are tongue tied and she's willing to bet that's why I couldn't successfully breastfeed them - between the csection, my anemia, two babies and bad latches, it was destined to fail. Ironically it made me feel better, like it wasn't my fault I couldn't see it through. I am also tongue tied and was lip tied and it is genetic so it totally makes sense!

Baby wearing: Seriously wish I would've known more about this with the twins. I wish I would've done more research and met more people. With the twins I owned a moby and a baby b'jorn. Neither of which we were using properly and we gave up very quickly. Ezekiel wants to be carried so much that baby wearing has become a necessity. I now own a moby, b'jorn, mei tai, two woven wraps, a ring sling, a lillebaby, an ergo, a tula. I had another ergo I sold and I had an infantino unison I gave to a friend in need. Ezekiel still prefers to be wrapped and just loves it but it is more time consuming and sometimes we just need a quick up and the tula is the easiest and most comfortable now that he fits into it properly. There is so much to learn and know about baby wearing and I feel like so many moms give up so quickly because they're too exhausted to figure it all out and don't have proper help. Baby wearing has saved my life. I can throw him up in a Front Wrap Cross Carry of the tula and I can nurse him while I'm wearing him. Sometimes I need to cook dinner and he doesn't love life and I can toss him on my back. Heck I've even thrown Elijah on my back in a quick Ruck when he wasn't feeling well and Ephraim loves to get on my back to watch me ("help me") cook dinner. Seriously every single mom should baby wear. I cannot say enough about it!

Ezekiel has also walked the reflux path. I think 80% of it is silent reflux which sometimes is so much harder to deal with. He was put on rantadine and while it was helping it ended up causing such severe constipation that it was not worth it. We'll discuss options with the new pediatrician next Friday but I'm really hoping to maybe avoid meds for awhile and see how he does. That may or may not be realistic, we'll see. However, nothing frustrated me more than CONSTANTLY being told I just have a colicky baby. First of all, "colic' is usually bad bouts during specific times each day. NOT all the time, all day, every day. Second of all, I bought a book called "Colic Solved: The Essential Guide to Infant Reflux and the Care of Your Crying, Difficult-to-Soothe Baby" and it was SUCH A great read! I recommend it to ANYONE who is struggling! And you'll see why I personally agree with the fact that colic is a crutch. 

Recovering at home with a new baby and the twins and my mom not here.... not an easy thing to do. Not driving for 6 weeks, didn't happen. I didn't drive for like 10 days. I have two boys in school people! I didn't go cross country but I did take my boys to and from school and the baby to and from the doctors. It was so hard to constantly tell the twins I couldn't pick them up, the couldn't sit on my lap, etc etc but meanwhile I'm constantly holding and dealing with the baby. I explained to them that mommy's tummy had to get cut to get Ezekiel out and I showed them my "big boo boo." And it definitely helped the understand. They'd gently say "momma can I sit next to you and the baby? I'll be careful not to hurt you." Bless their sweet hearts. And I'll also say a HUGE thank you to the boys Mimi, Cira Gonzalez..... this woman, bless her soul, made us food before he was born AND after he was born 1-2 times a week for like 3 months!!! Also my small group at church AND my MOPs group ALL blessed us with meals. Seriously, we were spoiled and loved and we did NOT experience that with the twins. It was an INCREDIBLE help and blessing.

Letting go of my home birth and my VBAC hasn't been easy. It's a mourning process. There are days I don't even think about it. There are days I'm ANGRY. Everything was in place. I did ALL my research, I had my village, I prepped the twins. I wanted to be THAT mom. I wanted to have THAT story. There are days I'm sad. I feel like I lost a big piece of my womanhood, of my motherhood. Even if I decide to try a VBA2C in the future, I definitely won't do it at home.... so that is for sure lost and it's just sad. I feel very sad about it all the time. I also think I've been battling PPD. I don't think that it's a severe as it could be. I do believe medical attention wouldn't kill me but I'm not 100% sure I'm convinced I need or even want medication. A very good friend of mine has talked a lot about this with me in private PMs and I did reach out to Sara about it. I've also of course talked a lot to Erik about it. This is why having a village is so extremely important. So you don't have to battle alone. You are NEVER alone in your journey. 

Before I close I'm going to put this out there - if there is anything you read that you want more info on, message me. If there is anything your going through and you think you're alone, your not. Message me, let me help you, even if it's just a NORMAL ADULT CONVERSATION! And if you need a meal, if you don't want to think about it for one night, let me spoil you! Thanks for always reading my shenanigans. One day I'll look back on this season of life with fond memories and maybe even miss it!

(4.5 months old in a FWCC)

Life with Three Boys: It isn't Easy

Adjusting to life with Ezekiel has been so hard. I feel down more than I feel up. I feel like I can barely breathe just about everyday. I feel like the twins are neglected and will end up resenting me for this phase of their life. I feel like I cater our whole family to Ezekiel and he's still miserable all the time. I feel like I'm failing at everything I'm doing. Most days I want to melt into a corner and sob. And really, I know a good cry is healthy, but the tears literally won't come. Like I physically cannot cry. Maybe I'm too tired. Maybe I'm dehydrated- afterall, I'm drained daily but this 23 lb monster! Regardless I can't. And when I can't cry, it never has a good outcome. I'm tired of listening to my baby cry and not knowing what's wrong or how to meet his needs. He recently had a double ear infection. I took him to urgent care once and they said only the left ear was infected and it wasn't severe but she'd give me antibiotics anyways due to how he'd been acting. They also warned us that it could make him more susceptible to other germs. Since the twins had a cold we chose to not give him the antibiotics and try to treat it naturally. A week later he was still messing with the ear and was teething so I wasn't sure. I decided to take him to the pediatrician's office for a follow up. After waiting over 2 hours to be seen and telling them repeatedly I needed to leave to get the twins by 1:30, I decided to walk out. Ezekiel was overtired and wanted out of there and so did I. Don't go see Dr. Claudia Arango. I hate to put it out there like that but this was one of many looonnngggg waits in her office and tests were done on my kids that despite calling and going into the office I still do not have the results to! Anyways so a few days later he was still fussy and still messing with the ear so back to urgent care we went. They told me he now had a double ear infection and not to be surprised if I see fluid from his ears. I was so mad at myself. So the dr prescribed augmentin. Y'all, that stuff is the devils medicine! I had never had issues with Ezekiel and syringes until this awful stuff. He hated it so much! It changed how he looks at any meds, even probiotics now. This stuff gave him such severe diarrhea it was like someone took a cheese grater to his bum 😫 he was more miserable for 10 days than he had been. In the midst of this I also found a new chiropractor for him and got him going with adjustments again.... Something that was long overdue. Finally the antibiotics ended a week and a half ago. His bowel movements are still finding their balance but his poor gut was destroyed! In the meantime the twins are sacrificing again. We got rid of their bunk beds and got them a full size bed and new ninja turtle sheets and they're so excited. But with Ezekiel being on the antibiotics he was up and down so much and it was affecting the quality of their sleep. So now they're sleeping on a blow up mattress in our room. Hoping to transition them back to their room this weekend. Wednesday night was the first night Ezekiel slept almost through the night (7pm to 5:30am) and never had a bowel movement during the night. And last night he woke up twice (1am and 5:30am) BUT slept until 7am. THANK GOD because 5:30am wake ups FOR THE DAY that we've been dealing with is a little nuts for me! Unfortunately I'm not sure his ear infection is fully cleared because he continues to dig into his left ear. However his front teeth are breaking the gums. I'm not sure if teething and ears are connected that much. He has an appointment with the new pedi 5/13 and I'm hoping he'll be okay until then but if not we'll be back at urgent care. Yesterday was one of the better days with him. I watched him play and laugh and discover. Yesterday he pulled himself up to a stand and held onto his walker and was able to steady himself there for a few minutes while eating Cheerios off the tray! Later he picked up his sippy cup and was able to get it up to his mouth and drink. He's growing up so fast! He's on his way to being self sustaining and I am excited for him and sad for me. He has grown me in so many ways. Sometimes it's so hard for me to see. Sometimes I don't want to mom anymore. Sometimes I wish my mom were here. But everyday I'm grateful for my husband who is an incredible help that I don't deserve. And everyday I'm grateful for three beautiful boys who love me more than I deserve. And most importantly everyday I thank god for blessing me, for giving me the title of mom that I desperately wanted. Motherhood isn't easy. It's the hardest job on the planet but it's the most rewarding. I am struggling daily being a mom, wife and homemaker. I feel like I let my family down more than I pick them up. But I continue to learn and grow and mostly to pray. For me to remain in the will of God. For my husband to find his balance and peace in his day to day and for my boys. For their futures and their future wives. For healing of the aches of their growing bodies and continued innocence of their hearts. In 26 days we'll be on a plane to Tulsa, OK. Samantha is getting married. We are so excited for her and fletcher. But selfishly I'm most excited for my sisters to finally meet their third nephew and to spend sometime back at mom's house. Even if it's not the house I grew up in, it's still mom and dad's house and it still holds that same safe space. I'm so lucky to feel that when I am with them - safe, loved, cared for, relaxed. That is what I strive to give my boys. No matter how old they are, mom and dads house is always a safe space for you, your spouses, your children. With Mother's Day this weekend, I am grateful for my mother and all she always done to shape me and prepare me to be a mother. I wanted nothing more in this life. It's not easy. And there are plenty of days I'm not interested in doing it anymore but that's sleep deprivation getting the best of me. I wouldn't trade my babies for anything in the world!

Life with Three Boys: 8 months in

I cannot believe Ezekiel will be 8 months old in a mere 3 days. Time is flying. Life with Ezekiel has been nothing short of challenging. There is so much I could share but I ask that you trust me in saying - God is building me using my youngest son. Ezekiel means "the strength of God." Let me tell you, this child was named right. He, on his own, drags me down more than the twins, combine, ever did. He is SUCH a mommas boy. And I am so torn between loving it and soaking it up and reminding myself he won't be little forever and of course feeling overwhelmed, panicking and unable to breathe wanting to scream "GIVE ME A FREAKIN' BREAK!" I wanted to breastfeed SOOO badly since I didn't get to really experience it with the twins. God said "I got you, but be careful what you wish for." Ezekiel was tongue and lip tied. My AMAZING midwife figured it out around his 1 month check up. Our pedi gave us a referral to a pediatric surgeon who "fixed" his tongue tie only in his office on the spot. He told me ties don't affect breastfeeding and his lip wasn't bad enough to need to be clipped. Lord I wish I knew then what I know now. SERIOUSLY - he must know NOTHING about the mechanics of breastfeeding. AND he didn't actually fix it - our AMAZING lactation consultant figured that out for us. She sent us to a plastic surgeon in Hollywood. And while it was TRAUMATIZING to see the blood from back to back corrections and POOR ERIK who had to hold Ezekiel down, I believe it saved our breastfeeding relationship. Fast forward to now, he is still exclusively breastfed (minus the LITTLE bit of solids he's starting to experiment with). His stubborn booty doesn't take a pacifier OR a bottle. I've left him before with a babysitter, 12 hours, and he did not eat the ENTIRE TIME I WAS GONE! Good grief kid! However, at 8 months he's just over 21 pounds, so he's CLEARLY not lacking! He has cried more than he has laughed in 8 months. He refuses to be left in the nursery at church or childcare at MOPS. He LOVES his daddy and hanging out at his computer, but still prefers me if he can see or hear me. He's been sick more than he's been healthy (thanks to preschool germs from the twins) but he's handled them all like champs and only had one fever ever (breast milk is amazing). He's on his second ear infection right now, which is good compared to how many the twins had. He's crawling all over the place and trying CRAZY HARD to pull himself up. He's absolutely in love with his big brothers and luckily the feeling is mutual. He's FINALLY on a semi predictable schedule. People have told me he has/had colic. Sorry to tell you but I do not believe there is such thing as colic….. I read this AMAZING book and I totally agree with it http://www.amazon.com/Colic-Solved-Essential-Infant-Difficult-/dp/0345490681/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1460811562&sr=8-1&keywords=colic+solved Ezekiel had reflux and I just weaned him from his meds and I'm not 100% sure he's going to be able to stay off of them. We're going to watch him for a bit and make an educated decision. Unfortunately we've had a bad experience with his current pediatrician so he'll be changing doctors and "starting over" in May. Overall, we wouldn't change a thing. Yes he overwhelms me and yes he makes me wish even more that my momma were closer. But we adore him! He is a perfect part of our family. And I know in a year when he is more mobile and talkative, his relationship with the twins is going to evolve even more. They love to play ninja turtles and gears and legos with him and 95% of the time he doesn't want the "baby" toy box unless they're with him. 

The twins have adjusted beautifully. There have been nights they've slept in our room or on the couch (when they're sick or he is miserable) ---- they all share a room! We aren't great at co sleeping or room sharing with our babies. We like our own space and with Ezekiel it proved that he woke up MORE because he was in such close proximity to me. The twins have been great about making their room the boys room. They're super loving being role models in the SPED LEAP program at Palmetto Elementary and have been asked to return next year for BOTH programs (8:20am to 1:50pm) with the same teachers in lieu of PREK. We've accepted and they're excited. 

This summer, my sister Samantha is getting married. Most likely we're going to spend 75% of June in Tulsa, OK and 50% of July in Summerfield, FL (just south of Ocala) with my in laws. I'm also hoping to get them swim lessons this summer and maybe a few other activities…. obviously that's research I have to deal with. HAHA! Elijah also has an umbilical hernia so we're meeting with the surgeon in May to determine if he'll be needing to surgically correct it.

In other news, we recently found out Elijah is allergic (phase 1 of 5) to major foods like wheat and egg whites and peanuts. We've totally been changing our diet, transforming our cupboard and making our menu allergen free. What a task this has been but in two weeks I've seen GIANT changes in his health AND in both of their appetites. They're eating things I never thought I'd see them eat and ASKING for healthy snacks. I don't believe this will ever be life threatening for him but I do believe God is using it as a tool to help us make some health changes! Please pray for us on this journey!

I'll leave you with a photo of my cuties playing in a big box… doing what boys do best and imaging it is their rocket ship!