Adjusting to life with Ezekiel has been so hard. I feel down more than I feel up. I feel like I can barely breathe just about everyday. I feel like the twins are neglected and will end up resenting me for this phase of their life. I feel like I cater our whole family to Ezekiel and he's still miserable all the time. I feel like I'm failing at everything I'm doing. Most days I want to melt into a corner and sob. And really, I know a good cry is healthy, but the tears literally won't come. Like I physically cannot cry. Maybe I'm too tired. Maybe I'm dehydrated- afterall, I'm drained daily but this 23 lb monster! Regardless I can't. And when I can't cry, it never has a good outcome. I'm tired of listening to my baby cry and not knowing what's wrong or how to meet his needs. He recently had a double ear infection. I took him to urgent care once and they said only the left ear was infected and it wasn't severe but she'd give me antibiotics anyways due to how he'd been acting. They also warned us that it could make him more susceptible to other germs. Since the twins had a cold we chose to not give him the antibiotics and try to treat it naturally. A week later he was still messing with the ear and was teething so I wasn't sure. I decided to take him to the pediatrician's office for a follow up. After waiting over 2 hours to be seen and telling them repeatedly I needed to leave to get the twins by 1:30, I decided to walk out. Ezekiel was overtired and wanted out of there and so did I. Don't go see Dr. Claudia Arango. I hate to put it out there like that but this was one of many looonnngggg waits in her office and tests were done on my kids that despite calling and going into the office I still do not have the results to! Anyways so a few days later he was still fussy and still messing with the ear so back to urgent care we went. They told me he now had a double ear infection and not to be surprised if I see fluid from his ears. I was so mad at myself. So the dr prescribed augmentin. Y'all, that stuff is the devils medicine! I had never had issues with Ezekiel and syringes until this awful stuff. He hated it so much! It changed how he looks at any meds, even probiotics now. This stuff gave him such severe diarrhea it was like someone took a cheese grater to his bum 😫 he was more miserable for 10 days than he had been. In the midst of this I also found a new chiropractor for him and got him going with adjustments again.... Something that was long overdue. Finally the antibiotics ended a week and a half ago. His bowel movements are still finding their balance but his poor gut was destroyed! In the meantime the twins are sacrificing again. We got rid of their bunk beds and got them a full size bed and new ninja turtle sheets and they're so excited. But with Ezekiel being on the antibiotics he was up and down so much and it was affecting the quality of their sleep. So now they're sleeping on a blow up mattress in our room. Hoping to transition them back to their room this weekend. Wednesday night was the first night Ezekiel slept almost through the night (7pm to 5:30am) and never had a bowel movement during the night. And last night he woke up twice (1am and 5:30am) BUT slept until 7am. THANK GOD because 5:30am wake ups FOR THE DAY that we've been dealing with is a little nuts for me! Unfortunately I'm not sure his ear infection is fully cleared because he continues to dig into his left ear. However his front teeth are breaking the gums. I'm not sure if teething and ears are connected that much. He has an appointment with the new pedi 5/13 and I'm hoping he'll be okay until then but if not we'll be back at urgent care. Yesterday was one of the better days with him. I watched him play and laugh and discover. Yesterday he pulled himself up to a stand and held onto his walker and was able to steady himself there for a few minutes while eating Cheerios off the tray! Later he picked up his sippy cup and was able to get it up to his mouth and drink. He's growing up so fast! He's on his way to being self sustaining and I am excited for him and sad for me. He has grown me in so many ways. Sometimes it's so hard for me to see. Sometimes I don't want to mom anymore. Sometimes I wish my mom were here. But everyday I'm grateful for my husband who is an incredible help that I don't deserve. And everyday I'm grateful for three beautiful boys who love me more than I deserve. And most importantly everyday I thank god for blessing me, for giving me the title of mom that I desperately wanted. Motherhood isn't easy. It's the hardest job on the planet but it's the most rewarding. I am struggling daily being a mom, wife and homemaker. I feel like I let my family down more than I pick them up. But I continue to learn and grow and mostly to pray. For me to remain in the will of God. For my husband to find his balance and peace in his day to day and for my boys. For their futures and their future wives. For healing of the aches of their growing bodies and continued innocence of their hearts. In 26 days we'll be on a plane to Tulsa, OK. Samantha is getting married. We are so excited for her and fletcher. But selfishly I'm most excited for my sisters to finally meet their third nephew and to spend sometime back at mom's house. Even if it's not the house I grew up in, it's still mom and dad's house and it still holds that same safe space. I'm so lucky to feel that when I am with them - safe, loved, cared for, relaxed. That is what I strive to give my boys. No matter how old they are, mom and dads house is always a safe space for you, your spouses, your children. With Mother's Day this weekend, I am grateful for my mother and all she always done to shape me and prepare me to be a mother. I wanted nothing more in this life. It's not easy. And there are plenty of days I'm not interested in doing it anymore but that's sleep deprivation getting the best of me. I wouldn't trade my babies for anything in the world!
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